Hello, everyone. I am Dr. G, a clinical psychologist, and today we’re continuing our exploration of the intriguing concept of the Observer-Observed Conflict in our Quantum Life series. In previous episodes, we discussed the history, teachings, and research of visionaries like Jiddu Krishnamurti and David Bohm, who urged us to think for ourselves rather than following gurus. Please make sure to watch the full video on ‘How To Achieve Quantum Being – An Introduction’ on YouTube https://youtu.be/xbe-xqN6Rso
Today, we’re diving deeper into the practical applications of this concept and how it can profoundly impact our lives.
Understanding the Observer-Observed Conflict:
Let’s begin by revisiting the concept of the Observer-Observed Conflict, a term rooted in the realm of quantum physics. At its core, this concept challenges the notion that we are inherently divided within ourselves. Often, we perceive a distinction between the observer—the part of us that watches our thoughts and experiences—and the observed, which is our thoughts, experiences, and emotions. The question is, is this distinction real, or is it merely an illusion we’ve conjured up? What sets this concept apart is that it relies on personal experience as evidence. Unlike many other theories, it doesn’t require us to adopt second-hand information or build our beliefs around someone else’s teachings. The proponents of this approach, like Krishnamurti and Bohm, encourage us to tap into our inner wisdom and learn for ourselves. They promote learning as the process of discovering the unknown within us rather than regurgitating known facts from external sources.
Shifting Away from Guru Mentality:
Krishnamurti and Bohm emphasized that we should break free from the guru mentality and start thinking independently. They didn’t consider themselves teachers but rather guides who pointed the way toward self-discovery. The central theme in their teachings is the importance of not blindly following others, not even the greatest spiritual figures like Krishna or Buddha. Instead, they emphasized absorbing truths from within and learning independently.
The Impact of the Illusion:
The illusion of the Observer-Observed Conflict holds significant consequences for our decision-making, emotional regulation, and logical reasoning. When we perceive this division within ourselves, it can lead to feelings of disconnection and internal conflict. This internal disharmony can manifest in various ways, affecting our mental health, from depression to anxiety disorders. It can also disrupt our ability to be fully present in the moment. To delve deeper into this concept, let’s consider a couple of analogies. Imagine how our pets, particularly dogs, live in the moment. They’re super attentive to immediate threats but quickly return to a state of calm when the danger has passed. This is a perfect example of reorienting oneself to the present, something we should learn from our furry friends.
Another analogy relates to paradoxical or illogical statements. We have the ability to shift between distinct perspectives, even on the same topic. This allows us to find meaning in contradictory statements and explore different angles. It’s like momentarily separating our observer from the observed to understand different viewpoints.
The Trap of Separation:
This illusion of separation can lead to feelings of loneliness, tribalism, and adversarial thinking. We often emphasize the differences between us and others and forge connections based on shared beliefs, leading to a sense of unity among like-minded individuals. At the same time, it drives a wedge between us and those we see as different. This adversarial mindset only fuels conflict and division, which can escalate into wars and atrocities.
To break this cycle, we need to acknowledge our role in perpetuating these conflicts. Instead of pointing fingers at others, we must take responsibility for our actions, thoughts, and beliefs. We have the power to reconnect, foster empathy, and create a more harmonious world. The Observer-Observed Conflict is not just a theoretical concept but a practical approach that can transform the way we perceive ourselves and the world around us. By embracing mindfulness and reorienting ourselves to the present, we can begin to dissolve the illusion of separation and foster empathy, connection, and a sense of shared responsibility.
In the next blog, we will delve into the deception of thought and how it impacts our daily lives. Don’t forget to subscribe to stay tuned for more insightful discussions.
I want to share a thought-provoking journey into the world of human consciousness and the incredible power that lies within each of us. We’ll explore a fascinating concept called the Observer-Observed Phenomenon, which has its roots in the teachings of two remarkable individuals: Quantum physicist David Bohm and philosopher Jiddu Krishnamurti.
This concept has the potential to transform the way we perceive ourselves and the world around us, ultimately leading to a happier, more fulfilled life.
The Observer Observed Phenomenon
The history of the observer-observed phenomenon is deeply rooted in the insights of David Bohm and Jiddu Krishnamurti. Bohm, a Quantum physicist, delved into the concept of the observer’s impact on the observed reality. He discovered that the act of observation itself influences the reality we perceive. This fundamental idea challenges the traditional view of an observer and the observed as separate entities with space and time between them. In truth, they are part of one interconnected thought process.
Krishnamurti, the Indian philosopher and spiritual teacher, shared similar insights, emphasizing the duality within each of us. This duality often leads to a disconnection within ourselves, where we perceive two separate beings within us instead of recognizing our oneness. This concept has parallels in modern psychology, referred to as “middle cognition,” which involves self-reflection and self-examination.
The Impact of Disconnection
This internal disconnection between the observer and the observed can have significant consequences on our lives. It leads to a preoccupation with the past and a tendency to dwell on regrets, depression, and lost opportunities. Simultaneously, it fosters anxiety about the future, causing unnecessary worries and fears. This disconnection can result in various psychological disorders, including major depression and paranoia.
Moreover, Bohm and Krishnamurti believed that societal problems and chaos stem from this internal disconnection, leading to discrimination, conflicts, and social segregation. The idea is that when we are disconnected from our true selves, we also become disconnected from others, categorizing and distancing ourselves from various groups in society.
Reconnecting and Rediscovering Your Inner Power
Now, let’s explore the crux of the matter. We all possess an innate power within us, but we often get distracted by external influences and trapped in a cycle of chasing an elusive “holy grail.” To regain this innate power, we must learn to shift our focus away from preoccupation with our thoughts and the past or future and redirect our attention to the present moment.
Reorienting ourselves to the present is a powerful tool. In this context, consider two enlightening analogies: one from the animal kingdom and another from individuals who exemplify a Zen-like state of being.
The Animal World: Observe how pets, especially dogs, react to threats. They instantly shift from a state of peace to taking action when a threat arises. What’s remarkable is that once the threat subsides, they promptly reorient themselves to the present, leaving behind any thoughts of past or future danger. This is a lesson in embracing the moment.
Zen-Like Individuals: Many successful people, whether artists, entrepreneurs, or professionals, share the ability to immerse themselves fully in the present moment when engaged in their craft. They don’t ruminate about past losses or worry excessively about the future, which is a key to their success and inner peace.
In conclusion, the observer-observed phenomenon teaches us that true power lies in being present and reconnecting with our inner selves. By reorienting ourselves to the present moment, we can overcome the disconnection that plagues our lives, both individually and collectively. Embracing the present moment allows us to navigate life’s challenges with grace and find true happiness.
This blog is a response to her insightful Youtube video, and I look forward to sharing my thoughts with you.
I highly recommend watching the video for those who have yet to do so, as it is crucial for understanding the topic comprehensively. Here is the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pq_UoY4rqGo&t=0s
After watching, I would appreciate it if you could focus on three key points. I like it when she explains confusing words you may not know. Jargons of psychology we use are insecure, avoidant, ambivalent, and preoccupied. Those types of fancy words are interesting but also, at times, confusing. I would also like to introduce a scientific background to support her ideas and provide a deeper understanding of the topic. She has done a great job paying attention to the main attachment styles, addressing the implication of those needing awareness and why they are essential for us to understand the connection between Early Attachment Styles, what to do about them, and the possible development of some mental health problems.
However, there is more to that. John Bowlby, a British psychiatrist and psychologist laid the groundwork for attachment theory, which later evolved through research by Mary Ainsworth. A key experiment involved observing how infants around one year of age interacted with strangers in the presence of their mothers. This led to the development of a model of early attachment styles, which has since been expanded upon and popularized by Katie Morton in her video. Understanding the five attachment styles helps shed light on how individuals interact with strangers and the influence of early experiences on long-term relationships. It accurately emphasizes the crucial role of attachment in human survival, based on John Bowlby’s foundational research.
Early attachment experiences with the primary caregiver shape a person’s style of relating to others, including in romantic relationships, with co-workers, employers, role models, and other important figures throughout their life. These attachment styles gradually develop and become deeply ingrained. Our early attachment experiences influence our attachment style, impacting how we react to stress. Research has found that attachment is vital for infant survival and shapes our attachment styles throughout our lives. The strange situation experiment was instrumental in identifying different attachment styles. Understanding attachment styles can help us better comprehend how individuals react to stress differently.
At first, there were only four attachment styles. However, further research by Dr. Mary Main and her partner Dr. Erik Hesse at Berkeley revealed a fifth category, disorganized. They have studied attachment styles, including early and adult attachment, for over forty years. Their research has helped expand our understanding of the different attachment styles. When it comes to attachment styles, there are two major categories: the Organized Category and the Disorganized Category. The Organized Category consists of four styles – secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. On the other hand, the Disorganized Category consists of only one style, which is the disorganized attachment style.
To truly understand attachment styles, we need to look at two different dimensions – anxiety and approachability. The anxiety dimension refers to the level of anxiety someone experiences in a relationship. In contrast, the approachability dimension refers to how comfortable someone is with being close to others. These dimensions are what contribute to the different attachment styles. As infants, we are born into a completely new environment that is vastly different from the safe and secure womb we had been in for nine months. This new world is filled with unfamiliar sensations, feelings, and interactions, which can cause anxiety in newborns. Understanding the dimension of anxiety is crucial to comprehend how infants resolve their anxiety when forming relationships with others. This is where attachment theory comes in. We can represent these dimensions as a spectrum. On one end, we have low anxiety; on the other, we have high anxiety. I will provide a diagram below to better illustrate these dimensions.
On the first axis, we have low and high anxiety, with low anxiety indicating that the infant is generally calm and secure and high anxiety indicating that the infant is easily distressed and may struggle to regulate their emotions. The second axis is labeled as avoidance but can be better understood as approachability. Low approachability indicates that the caregiver is emotionally unavailable, rejecting, or neglectful. While high approachability means that the caregiver is sensitive, responsive, and consistently available to the infant. These styles are determined by the infant’s level of anxiety and approachability, and they have been linked to different outcomes in adulthood.
The disorganized attachment style, characterized by contradictory and disoriented behavior, is not organized along these two dimensions but is considered a separate category. The precise use of “avoidance” is crucial in understanding attachment. A secure attachment style is developed through interaction at home, where an infant feels covered and protected, creating a secure base. This secure base serves as a ground zero, where a person feels safe and confident to explore the world. In times of anxiety, agitation, or fear, the secure base becomes a safe haven to which they can return.
These two dimensions of anxiety and approachability lead to the development of a secure attachment style, where individuals display a lower level of anxiety and higher approachability and seek out an emotionally available person as their caregiver. The Strange Situation experiment has observed that infants with a secure attachment style display this type of behavior not only with their primary caregivers but also with strangers. A sample situation could be where an infant is placed in a new environment with a stranger. Suppose the infant has a secure attachment style. In that case, they can explore the environment confidently, knowing that their caregiver is present as a secure base. They can return to their caregiver for comfort and reassurance in stressful situations. This behavior is consistent with the infant’s confidence and trust in their caregiver’s approachability and emotional availability.
During the strange situation experiment, researchers observed that infants with a secure attachment style displayed consistent behavior towards their primary caregiver and strangers. For example, when the mother left the room, the infant interacted with the stranger in a secure manner without feeling anxious or frightened. This behavior demonstrated the confidence and safety that infants with a secure attachment style feel with their caregivers, which allows them to explore the world without fear. Even when the caregiver is not present, the infant continues to enact their secure attachment style with strangers. Moving on to the other quadrants, let’s explore the four attachment styles that fall within the organized category. As the name suggests, these styles possess a sense of order and predictability. This is because they adhere to specific patterns in two dimensions of human functioning. Consequently, we can anticipate and forecast their behavior and reactions, setting them apart from the disorganized category.
The key to understanding these attachment styles lies in their predictability. With organization comes a level of dependability and reliability, allowing us to confidently predict the actions of individuals with these attachment styles. In contrast, the disorganized category needs this organization, making predictions about their behavior, attachment, and reactions impossible. Therefore, the difference between the organized and disorganized attachment styles lies in the ability to anticipate and forecast an individual’s actions. The organized category gives us a sense of order and reliability, while the latter presents unpredictability and inconsistency. Now that we’ve delved into the organized attachment model, let’s take a closer look at its specific attachment styles. Out of the four, the first and most desirable is the secure attachment style, while the remaining three fall under the category of insecure.
In the lower left quadrant of the model, which represents low anxiety and low approachability, there is a sense of disconnection between the infant and the caregiver. While the infant is not experiencing much stress, they don’t feel inclined to approach the caregiver. This is because they perceive the caregiver as emotionally unavailable and thus need to avoid them. It’s important to note that this perception is based on the infant’s experience and sensation. In their view, the caregiver may not provide the emotional support they need, leading them to avoid seeking comfort from them. This disengagement can have significant implications for the infant’s development. It may affect their ability to form secure attachments in the future.
If an infant exhibits high anxiety and low approachability, they will likely have an ambivalent attachment style. On the other hand, if they show low anxiety but are still avoidant, they may have a fearful-avoidant attachment style. In both these cases, the infant avoids seeking comfort from the emotionally unavailable caregiver. It’s important to note that these terms and labels have been developed over the years, and some may be interchangeable. Additionally, there are distinctions between early childhood and adult attachment styles, which can add to the confusion.
Let’s simplify things and focus on the avoidant attachment styles within the organized category: ambivalent/fearful-avoidant. Both styles exhibit low intensity on the approachability dimension, leading to avoidance of seeking comfort from the caregiver.
In contrast, a person with high intensity of approachability and low anxiety will have a secure attachment style. However, suppose a person is highly anxious and seeks constant proximity to the caregiver, becoming clingy and inconsolable. In that case, we cannot separate them from the high separation anxiety they experience. This child is preoccupied and stressed, leading to an insecure attachment style. These attachment styles can significantly impact how we react in stressful situations and how we approach our relationships. By understanding these styles, we can better understand ourselves and those around us.
As children grow up and engage in relationships with others, their attachment styles can have significant implications, particularly in romantic and intimate relationships. These attachment styles tend to reenact and manifest in these later relationships, which can lead to adverse effects and perceptions of the individuals involved. In Kati Morton’s video, she does relate some of these to specific disorders that develop, such as oppositional defiant disorder and conduct disorder, which is what I would like to suggest that again due to Mary Main and Eric Hesse’s research from Berkeley, they have actually found out that the conduct disorder and oppositional disorder and truly antisocial behavior and more.
I would say the research they have done is based on many individuals who have been incarcerated, so the incarceration status or individual criminal behavior has been linked to a disorganized attachment style. And again, the disorganized attachment styles are the ones that are all over the place. We can’t recognize or predict and create any reliable way of foreseeing how a person may react in a particular situation. As a result, they tend to have many problems and serious issues in their lives without regard for consequences. So we find a high prevalence of disorganized attachment style with conduct disorder, oppositional disorder, antisocial behavior, and incarceration. While organized attachment styles tend to correlate with mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, PTSD, and personality disorders like borderline, avoidant, and dependent, the disorganized category and insecure attachment styles can have even more detrimental effects. They can lead to incarceration and significantly impact how individuals interact with one another.
In particular, the disorganized category and insecure attachment styles can affect how individuals present themselves to others, even if they are unaware of the underlying causes. Understanding these dynamics can help us approach interactions with more empathy and compassion. Have you ever noticed how some couples seem to be complete opposites? One person may be highly anxious and clingy, while the other looks emotionally unavailable and avoidant. Well, these seemingly paradoxical relationships can be explained through attachment styles.
Individuals who display highly anxious preoccupied attachment styles tend to attract partners who exhibit avoidant attachment styles, either low anxiety or high anxiety. The resulting dynamic between these individuals can be pretty interesting. It often triggers each other in ways they may not even be aware of.
In my next video, I’ll go in-depth into these paradoxical relationships and the complex dynamics at play. But for now, let’s focus on some quick markers. An anxious person in this type of relationship may struggle to calm down and appear clingy. At the same time, the avoidant partner may seem emotionally unavailable and distant. As we’ve seen from the strange situation test, individuals with different attachment styles may struggle to regulate their emotions and behavior in relationships. Understanding these attachment styles can shed light on the underlying issues and help couples navigate their relationships with greater empathy and understanding.
Let me break down what’s happening in these paradoxical attachment-style relationships. Picture this: one partner is highly anxious and can’t calm down without the help of their significant other, while the other partner is avoidant and tends to see interactions as a source of conflict. When these two styles collide, it can create a codependent relationship that can harm both parties. The anxious partner relies on their significant other to soothe them and resolve conflicts quickly. Suppose they can’t come to a resolution. In that case, it’s like the end of the world for them, and they may resort to black-and-white thinking or even borderline personality tendencies. They think that if they can’t rely on their partner to help them regulate their emotions, the entire relationship is dangerous.
On the other hand, the avoidant partner sees conflicts as inevitable and tends to shy away from engagement altogether. They view relationships as something that will inevitably lead to a significant conflict, so they don’t even want to bother trying. So, what’s the result of these opposing attachment styles? A dynamic that triggers each other creates an unbalanced relationship that’s hard to maintain. In relationships where one partner has a highly anxious preoccupied attachment style, and the other has an avoidant attachment style, we can observe a paradoxical dynamic. The anxious partner relies on the other to calm them down, leading to codependency and conflict. They might engage in long, drawn-out conversations that need to end in a resolution, or else the anxious partner becomes upset. This black-and-white thinking can even lead to rash judgments and borderline personality traits.
On the other hand, the avoidant partner has learned to manage their anxiety by avoiding conflict altogether, leading them to see interactions with others as a source of conflict. This approach can trigger the anxious partner even further, creating more anxiety and conflict, and making the avoidant partner withdraw even more. Their attachment style is activated, pulling them away from the situation. It’s important to note that the avoidant partner may not be able to articulate their inner feelings and obstacles, leading them to walk away from the situation.
In summary, these paradoxical attachment styles can lead to a cycle of conflict, codependency, and avoidance in relationships. Attachment styles are deeply ingrained patterns of behavior that are formed early in life and can persist into adulthood. These attachment styles can be secure or insecure, including anxious-preoccupied and avoidant attachment styles. Without intervention, these insecure attachment styles can last a lifetime. However, research has shown that individuals and couples can work to convert their insecure attachment style into a more secure one with therapy. This can be achieved through experiences promoting self-regulation, self-soothing, and healthy interactions. By fostering room for self-differentiation, acceptance, and tolerance, individuals can learn valuable skills that lead to secure attachment styles, resulting in healthier relationships.
It can be challenging to differentiate between attachment and personality styles and understand how they overlap. For example, if someone walks away from a conversation, is it due to their avoidant attachment style or simply because they’re narcissistic? Understanding the nuances between the two is essential to properly address and treat related issues. However, research shows that through therapy and secure attachment experiences, people can shift from insecure to secure attachment styles. This includes learning to self-regulate and self-soothe, building skills, and witnessing secure ways of interacting with others.
Thank you for taking the time to read. I hope you found it informative and engaging. Remember to check out Katie Morton’s video Why Does Your Attachment Style Matter for even more insights on attachment styles. If you have any suggestions for future blog topics or would like to see more content on this subject, please let us know in the comments below. Stay tuned for more posts on this and other related topics.
Do you ever feel uneasy at the prospect of sitting down with someone you don’t get along with? Perhaps anxiety creeps up on you or you feel sad or depressed. These emotions are often a sign of certain behaviors that can indicate a mismatch in your interactions with others. For instance, you might feel frustrated and fearful of being disappointed, rejected, or even bullied or assaulted. These are all behaviors that can lead to uncomfortable situations, leaving us feeling unheard, unsupported, or unappreciated.
If we delve deeper, we’ll find that these emotions stem from the anticipation of negative behavior from others. The behaviors we hope to avoid are often related to feelings of being dismissed, misunderstood, or undervalued. The key is to pay attention to the evidence that indicates when we feel this way. Observing the other person’s behavior, whether verbal or nonverbal, can give us important clues about how to communicate more effectively and build more intimate relationships.
In this blog post, we’ll explore the intricacies of intimate communication and the effective dialogue of intimacy. We’ll learn how to recognize and respond to our own feelings and those of others in order to build stronger, more meaningful relationships. So let’s dive in and discover the power of intimate communication.
Communication is often thought of as primarily verbal, but did you know that up to 70% of it is actually nonverbal? This includes things like body language, facial expressions, and physical proximity. These cues can speak volumes about a person’s thoughts and feelings, often revealing more than their words ever could. In fact, when conflicts arise in relationships, people tend to focus on their pain and complain about their experiences. This is a natural response to the need for validation and containment. However, it’s important to remember that there’s more to effective communication than just venting about our struggles. Overcoming the urge to seek agreement and embrace understanding is no easy feat. Our brains are wired to latch onto all-or-none thinking, which can quickly lead to arguments and debates. When we come into conflict situations, we’re often filled with anxiety, disappointment, and anticipation of escalation. It’s no wonder we become guarded and tense up. But what if we could change the entire scenery, the entire atmosphere? What if we could get on the right track, and instead of seeking agreement, focus on understanding? Understanding is the key to collaborating and coexisting, but it doesn’t require being on the same page all the time. Seeking agreement can set us up for failure, forcing us to either coerce or capitulate, ultimately leading to resentment or reasoning. When we let go of the need for agreement and embrace understanding, we can transform the entire interaction. It takes time and training, but it’s worth it. Let’s change our mindset and get on the road to productive dialogue.
What I do is create a safe space where we can explore and pursue understanding without feeling the pressure to agree on everything. It’s truly amazing when two people can understand each other and feel fully supported without any coercion or capitulation. This allows for a natural and voluntary agreement to follow, rather than a forced one. But here’s the catch – I’ve learned that we only reach this level of understanding and agreement when we let go of the need for it. Instead, I remain vulnerable, open-minded, and curious on this journey of discovering the other person.
Something fascinating happens during this process – our neurobiological processes shift from a dysfunctional state to a functional state. I’ve witnessed the transformation that occurs when we engage with each other in a certain way. That’s why my method of engagement is so crucial. Rather than focusing on the content of our communication, I prioritize the process of communication. I engage in debate and dialogue but with a twist. I use the technique of “telling what I know” to facilitate a deeper level of understanding and connection.
I’ve noticed that in many conversations, people tend to tell each other what’s right and wrong, what they should be doing, and what their opinions are. This might work well in political debates and public displays, but it can be detrimental in close, intimate relationships. When two people engage in a telling method of communication, it can lead to hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and even trauma, especially for children who might witness these arguments. Instead of imposing our own thoughts, feelings, and values on others, we should focus on empathetically discovering their reasoning and depth of understanding. And one powerful way to do that is through Socratic questioning – a method that’s been around for thousands of years.
The listener engages in curiosity and asks questions of the speaker, without worrying about whether they agree or disagree. This builds layers and layers of curiosity, empathy, and understanding. As the speaker shares their reasoning and emotions, the listener summarizes and validates their perspective. When I’m trying to communicate with someone, I’ve noticed that we often just tell each other what we think is right or wrong, what should or shouldn’t be done. It’s like we’re mimicking each other without really listening or understanding. I’ve seen this happen a lot in political debates and public displays, but it’s also a problem in romantic relationships and family dynamics.
In these types of relationships, telling someone what to do or how to think can create a lot of conflict and trauma for everyone involved. That’s why it’s important to shift from this telling method to a more functional method of dialogue. Instead of imposing our own morals and values onto others, we should be asking questions to discover each other’s perspectives and reasoning. One effective way to do this is through Socratic questioning, a method that’s been used for thousands of years. Socratic questioning is all about building curiosity and empathy by asking questions and seeking to understand the depth of someone’s reasoning. As a listener, it’s important to engage in this process of curiosity even if we don’t necessarily agree with the speaker. We’re trying to understand their perspective, their emotional processes, and their pain.
One thing I’ve noticed is that there are multiple subconscious processes going on when we’re engaging in this type of dialogue. We need to approach the other person with respect and empathy, and also actively listen to what they’re saying. Sometimes, even when we think we’re listening, we’re really just hearing the words without understanding the deeper meaning. For example, if someone is telling me about their anxiety and how I make them feel dismissed, I need to actively listen to the inner processes that are happening in response to their words. I might be hearing their words, but I’m also hearing my own inner voice saying things like “I’m no good” or “I made a mistake.” These subconscious processes can create a lot of conflict and misunderstanding. Sometimes it can feel like we’re communicating but not really getting anywhere. That’s because deep-rooted emotions can be triggered during conversations, and once that happens, effective communication goes out the window. When I feel like I’m being criticized or attacked, whether it’s intentional or not, my automatic response is to become defensive. This is a guaranteed response for every human being. It doesn’t matter if it’s coming from the person I’m talking to or if it’s just a nonverbal message like a sigh or a frown. Once the defense mechanism kicks in, it can feel like we’re sinking deeper into our pain and becoming even more attacked and criticized.
In relationships, this chaotic nature can escalate quickly. It’s like we start off with anxiety and anticipation, but once those deep-rooted emotions come to the surface, it can feel like we’re just spiraling out of control. It’s like we’re both talkers, but not really good listeners. We’re just blurting out our emotions, expecting to be understood and heard, but instead feeling criticized and attacked. This process can ultimately lead to three options: complete disengagement, violence, or one person staying in the relationship for various reasons like shared resources, emotional connections, or love. It’s important to recognize this process and actively work on improving communication to avoid these negative outcomes.
Sometimes it feels like there’s just no way to solve a problem without one person giving in or crumbling. It’s like one person becomes subservient and the other becomes overpowering, and they both end up unhappy. And if neither person is willing to give in, things can escalate into violence. We need to approach communication with a different mindset, one that involves taking on the roles of both listener and talker. And when we engage in discussion, we need to focus on asking questions and refraining from criticism, so we can really understand each other. When we approach communication in this way, something amazing happens. We begin to create a healthy, secure bond between two people. We feel understood and safe, and we can disagree with each other without it causing tension. We understand each other’s experiences and perspectives, and we can appreciate how each person organizes their world.
For example, one person might be very organized and structured, following strict protocols and routines to create a sense of security and certainty. And that’s okay because it works for them. But it might not work for someone else, and that’s okay too.
Have you ever found yourself struggling to communicate effectively with someone who seems to have a different way of functioning than you do? Maybe it’s a spouse, a child, or a parent. For example, one person might rely heavily on structure, rules, and principles to cope with stress, while the other person prefers spontaneity and creativity. The good news is that it is possible to create sensible communication and interaction between these two people with some effort and understanding. One important thing to keep in mind is that our subconscious needs and desires often come into play during communication. One of the biggest subconscious needs is our attachment style.
Research shows that people with an anxious attachment style may heavily rely on their partner to regulate their emotions. In a conflict, they may struggle to calm themselves down and instead seek immediate agreement from their partner. On the other hand, someone with an avoidant attachment style may tend to withdraw and become introspective when stressed. When these two styles come together in a relationship, it can lead to a cat-and-mouse game of pursuing and withdrawing, which can quickly escalate into a messy argument. However, with awareness and understanding of each other’s coping styles, it is possible to create a more effective dialogue and prevent these conflicts from happening.
How certain things your partner does or says can trigger your anxiety or stress management style? It’s something that most of us aren’t even aware of, but it can have a big impact on our relationships. That’s where effective dialogue and intimacy come in. By engaging in a dialogue that helps us become more aware of our own attachment styles and how they affect us in moments of stress, we can become less codependent on our partners and more self-reliant. This means we can handle difficult situations without feeling like we need our partner to constantly regulate our emotions.
Instead of rushing through conversations to quickly solve a problem, effective dialogue allows us to be fully present in the moment, honing our senses and emotional faculties to handle the situation at hand. This kind of communication may not always result in an agreement, but it leads to a deeper understanding and connection with our partner. Over time, engaging in effective dialogue and intimacy can lead to happier, more meaningful relationships with less anxiety and stress. It’s a process that takes time and effort, but the rewards are well worth it.
When the darkness of anxiety and stress subsides, we can see the light of hope, energy, and capability. Our self-esteem and confidence are boosted, and we become more tolerant of ourselves and others. We start to normalize our daily struggles and know that it’s going to be okay. Love takes center stage, along with confidence, hopefulness, appreciation, and gratification. We feel connected to those who love us, and we know that we can handle anything together. It’s not about freestyle dancing in our relationships, hoping for the best. It’s about learning the 21 rules of engagement and creating a much calmer and more peaceful level of interaction with our partner. It’s like formal dancing, where we learn the steps and work together to create a beautiful dance.
I’ve only mentioned four of the 21 rules, but they are all important components that help us establish a stronger connection with our partner. When we engage in effective dialogue of intimacy, we can handle any situation and create a happier, more meaningful relationship. It’s not just about randomly saying whatever is on our minds and hoping for the best. It’s about being intentional with our words and actions, and working together to create a stronger bond.
Some people have successful relationships while others struggle. I used to think that it was just luck or something out of my control, but I’ve come to realize that there’s actually a protocol to follow, just like with ballroom dancing. If you want to become a great dancer, you shouldn’t just wing it and hope for the best. You would hire an instructor, listen to their specific instructions, practice the different steps, and master the different levels of instruction. Relationships are the same way – there are specific components that make up a successful dialogue of intimacy. Through learning and practicing these components, such as effective communication, appreciation, and connection, relationships become easier and more enjoyable. It’s not about blindly following what others are doing or relying on traditional thoughts that may not work for you. It’s about taking control of your own happiness and learning how to build strong, healthy relationships.
Intimate communication is a vital aspect of any healthy relationship. It’s not something we’re born with, but rather a skill that can be learned and developed over time. By implementing the 21 rules of effective dialogue of intimacy, you can improve the quality of your communication with your partner and ultimately build a stronger, more fulfilling relationship. Remember, it’s never too late to start. Whether you’re struggling in your current relationship or simply looking to improve your communication skills, you can make a change. Be mindful and intentional about your communication, and watch how it can transform your relationships.
If you haven’t already done so, I encourage you to watch Part 1 and 2 of the Intimate Communication Series on my YouTube channel. The prelude video provides a great introduction, and Parts 1 and 2 delve deeper into the 21 rules of effective dialogue of intimacy. So, take the next step and start improving your communication today.
This is Dr. G, a clinical psychologist, wishing you all the best on your journey towards more intimate and fulfilling relationships.
Note: This article pertains to a typical heterosexual relationship.
In the last article, I wrote about how sexual dimorphism can determine the entry point of conversation between men and women: men focusing on sensory experience and women focusing on relational importance first. I brought an example of a husband initiating a conversation about his wife’s hair color and the wife’s oversensitivity to the subject.
I also discussed suggestions how the husband in this case could have brought by a more positive outcome by focusing his attention toward the relationship first and then moving on to the sensory pleasure he would receive from his wife.
In this article, I would like to continue on that thread and make suggestions on how women can adapt to a man’s sensory experiences and hidden needs prior to “dumping” the heavy load of a “relationship” on their male partners. Let’s be honest: relationships are not the forte of men!
Managing a relationship has for millennia fallen on the laps of the gender who intuitively knows best how to handle it: women. For the average man, all he wants to know is that his wife is happy. That’s all! Believe me, I have talked to hundreds of couples and the trend is fool proof: men bet highest wage on their female partner’s happiness even at the cost of lying to her! Surprised? Or not? Oh, yeah. That happens all the time. Remember the proverbial adage? “Why did you not tell me the truth? – Oh, honey, I didn’t want to make you upset!”
That is one of the most typical mistakes a man can do. See the forest and miss the trees, namely wanting to see a smile on his woman’s face now even if she gets mad an hour or a day later!
Men usually have a hard time to deal with their woman’s unpleasant feelings. Why? There are probably a hundred reasons, some of which have to do with evolution, religion, culture, society, upbringing, etc. Here I will mention on reason: women usually use their emotions to communicate and interact, especially when they do not like certain things. Tell a woman (after she asks you if she is too short or too tall) the blunt truth, and she will let you know, i.e. using emotionally intense expression, how insensitive you are confirming her worst fears.
To answer correctly and sensitively, that is an art to master that escapes most men in this world! Now, this is the point: men try to avoid those emotionally intense situations and end up shooting themselves in the foot. There is a lot that men can do to change that interaction and feel more confident and competent handling such intense situations (an example was given in the last article).
What I would like to focus on here is what women can do to change the game, so that their men do not become avoiders! For the astute women who are reading this article out there: First, tell him how you appreciate his honesty! There are two important components here: “appreciate” and “honesty”. He feels appreciated rather than punished for having communicated and shared with you his truthful opinion (which then brings you closer by the way). And he feels – yes, feels! – that honesty will pay off! Whew. What a concept? He does not have to lie anymore??? Wow! What a relief that is to a guy. Tell me about it!
Second, slap him hard in his face! NOOOOOOO. JUST KIDDING. No no no no. This is what you want to do next: Tell him lovingly: honey, I was actually torn between these intense feelings of uncertainty and self-criticism because everything in our world is about judging a woman on her looks. So, this has been driving me crazy. I am constantlyfighting in my head with these questions: Am I the right size? Do I look good enough to my husband? Does he mind that I am shorter/taller than the average woman? Do I need to change something about myself to make him happy? Etc. etc. etc. BE COMPLETELY HONEST as well about your insecurities and vulnerability. He will appreciate a lot of things about this:
A
That you are not thinking of yourself as a GODDESS!
B
That you are concerned about his likes and preferences, and
C
That you are guiding him to the right answer: it’s not about being short or tall; it’s about his opinion of you being good enough for him/desirable to him/the perfect enough partner for him.
Third, once you have listed the above self-examining, self-critical questions to ask yourself, then ask him: It was just a rhetorical question. What I meant by it was: Do you like/love me just the way I am? Men are quite direct and to the point: If you get a yes, he means it. Then just get a room! Haha. If you get a no, time to call a girlfriend or anattorney. Haha back. Or best option after all: call a relationship therapist; they are cheaper than divorce attorneys! Until next article, ….
Most people think the commonly agreeable benefit of being in a relationship is to escape loneliness. I mean, yes, there are tons of other benefits such as sharing experiences, validation, admiration, infatuation, pure sexual pleasure, financial support, family belonging, etc.
At the end of the day, though, if you stripped away those individually divergent reasons and polled everyone about the most common benefit a relationship affords us across multiple diverse groups, you’d end up with a, deep sigh, proclamation “Ultimately, I don’t want to be alone in this world.” However, I have a new proposition. And this is more of an “aha” moment for myself than anything else, a deep insight about the very deep and universally invisible “holy grail” of a benefit that aces everything else.
And I accidentally stumbled upon it after helping a few hundred couples achieve bliss and harmony in their love life. Here is a little background for you. The couples I helped as a clinical psychologist specializing in couples and sex therapy over the past 10 years ranged from innocently looking young teens around 18 or 19 years old all the way to the oldest, most experienced couple reaching their very late 70s, at times with marriage histories lasting 30, 40, 50, well even 60 years! And the most amazing, emotionally intense, and meaningful realization that I was lucky enough to witness was not the sexual gratification, the emotional validation, the affirmation of their parenting roles, the “Oh, I finally feel I’m being fully understood” epiphany, the recovery from affairs or resurrection of passion or anything of that sort.
No. What was so fundamentally awakening, chilling to my bones, even jarring and electrically zapping my entire neuro-musculo-skeletal existence was the ever so subtle development of the real truth of it all, why we need to be in a loving relationship: It is ONLY within a loving, reflective relationship that we as individuals can actually become our TRUE SELVES.
My bearing witness to this amazing and hidden truth was so overwhelming for me that oftentimes I personally had to reach for a tissue and wipe away my own tears at the corner of my eyes). Let me restate that: contrary to popular belief, it’s not being on your own, by yourself, being a single that provides the necessary safe environment to become the best version of whom you can become. NO. A BIG, COLOSSAL NO! That’s just a myth that has been maintained and reinforced by folkloric phantasies for millennia and will only make you more, well not miserable, but just more of what you are,Today.
So, just more of the same old stuff. That’s all. The same repetitive, predictable thrill seeking, routine loving old self; only just chronologically older. But in terms of true growth worthy of being recognized as the proverbial “Self Actualization,” no, the key is not in remaining a single or a serial spouse forever.
Being an individual, single self, avoiding the perils of long lasting, evolving relationships, will not get you anywhere close to real self actualization. The best a long term single life can provide is Ego Actualization or in other words more narcissistic validation. And in the end, you may leave the world wondering what the hell this life was all about. I am sure many disagree with me, which is fine.
My responsibility at this time of my life lies with my inner core professional who has discovered something truly amazing and worth proclaiming, which I am doing here. Paradoxically, the perpetual single or serial dater life is actually what I personally had initially believed in.
Pursuing a single life and getting as much validation (aka “fun”) I could ever get: namely tons of career development, financial success, latest cars, homes, gadgets, jewelry, wooing the sexiest girls, a doctoral degree to slap on my wall, trips to farthest corners of the world, etc. What happened then? Well, in my insatiable quest for self actualization, I got intrigued by the idea of being the best I could be in helping couples overcome relationship problems, you know, just like the ones I had in my own relationship:
problems with making decisions
satisfying the in-laws
making vacation plans
meeting financial responsibilities
finding a supportive ear for my depressed or anxious moods
raising a child
finally getting my partner to understand me deeply
and so forth. I felt this itch, because that was my last frontier that I had not mastered yet: feeling accomplished in a loving relationship with another person. It seemed an impossible task and an ever elusive goal.
So, in my quest of helping my clients, a miracle happened. It was then, within the overlapping experiences of helping couples and simultaneously fixing the problems in my own marriage that I became a much better observer, not only of myself, but especially of how my couples in my private practice were evolving; in an uncanny similar way I and my partner each were evolving in our own relationships.
Slowly, a few parallels emerged: I noticed myself morphing into a better version of myself even though I would have hated to possess some of these new personality characteristics if anyone had told me in the past that some day I would be able to or want to or even have to own such traits. To give you a tangible example: I always hated being quiet, composing myself, or refraining from saying “I’m sorry” when it came to a quarrel between myself and a given partner. I had lived under the spell that my true nature commanded me to be verbose, express my feelings (no matter what), and quickly express empathy for the pain my partner had experienced.
And I held those values for the real “truth” and moral principles for which at least I, let alone everyone else, had to live and die by. What had escaped me were the benefits that unfolded after I gave myself the permission (and developed the skills) to evolve into a much larger, more holistic version of my own self. When I learned that pausing for a few minutes and reflecting on whether or not saying sorry could be the appropriate response, understood the more complex impact that such utterance can have on the perception of my partner, the place such a moment of empathic connection has in thegreater timeline of all moments of interactions with my partner and how they relate to each other (e.g. how consistently or inconsistently, how reliably or whimsically, how sincerely or insincerely they were being perceived in the greater scheme of things), and experientially felt the value of silence and tolerance of presence of a hurt, struggling partner, then I also grew within.
I expanded in my own psyche, I envisioned within me how my neuronal brain connections internally branched outwardly, my sense of confidence expanded, I felt more grounded and secure, at the same time I felt so much more humble and appreciative of the moment, of the world around me, of the “growing pains” my partner and I went through, of the meaning of life being much more exhilarating and invigorating when one engages with another person and evolves together than blindly seeking “fun.”
And this is the exact observation I also noticed happening in my couples coming to my office, week after week, month after month. One by one, I witnessed them become better versions of themselves, stronger, more confident, more secure, happier, healthier, more energetic, elated, beautiful, lively. What made me connect the dots between their grander self actualization and the necessity of having gone through it within their relationships is grounded in everything I have learned about human psychology and the nature of reflective social engagement coupled with resolution of transferential childhood experiences that is unique to being in an intimate relationship with a romantic partner and is impossible to occur outside it.
me summarize my proposition in one simple sentence: The safest, most nurturing place to evolve your true best version of yourself is within an intimate, loving relationship! Here. I said it and and I bet my whole life and career on it. The proof for that proposition is available both in terms of empirical, evidence-based, and clinical research as well as in a realm that is much more visceral and real to the bone than all that scientific literature.
In terms of the science of it, there is a myriad of publications collected over many decades that attest to the veracity of this proposition originating from the psychoanalytic psychology spanning over various branches of behavioral psychology, most of which have been very recently corroborated by neuropsychological research showing measurable brain activity changes affected by human connection and intimate partner engagements.
The field is so vast that even a meta-analytic summary would entail hundreds of pages to highlight the scientifically sound underpinnings of my assertions, which is way beyond the scope of this article. Some resources worth looking into include keywords such as
Imago Relationship Therapy
Transference
Polyvagal system
and social engagement theory
mind-body connectivity and neurobiological models explaining interactions between partners
Emotion Focused Therapy
effective listening and dialogue
Attachment theory, etc
However, from a human experiential perspective, the more tangible, palpable proof is a very age old unalterable, undeniable and almost always insurmountable need we feel to remain connected to a specific partner, a connection that is unimaginably solid, inseparable, and irreplaceable with any other connection. The most glaring example of it comes to my mind, an expression uttered by almost all of my clients:
“I don’t know what it is but I love him (her) and cannot live without him (her). Despite all our differences and problems, I want to work this out and save our relationship.”
To the novice observer, the laymen, and unsurprisingly also to many up and coming therapists, anyone who is infatuated by the spell of “singular self actualization,” my assertion would most likely seem absurd as all they can think of is the traditional concept of self differentiation, the understanding that a person is a single entity and can only be truly happy as a single, self differentiated person without any enabling codependency to another person.
What they are missing is what we all are missing: a truly illuminating blueprint of our subconscious realm of functioning. Very much like atheists with blindfolds who assert as there is no proof for the existence of god and such proof would be beyond our comprehension, let’s forget about it altogether and just focus on the data in front of us. What I and a few of my colleagues who are willing to put up with the known unknown suggest is that the data are there, even though quite obscure and blurry; we need to sharpen our mind and focus our vision in order to make sense of it.
The very gut-wrenching exclamation of the inexplicable forces binding one person to another are the very necessary indicators pointing us to the subconscious psychological forces that have manifested themselves in relation to one’s self and other significant people in our entire upbringing, the cumulative product of which we experience as our self here and now entangled in a social, neurobehavioral engagement with another human being that we are magnetically drawn to and intend to continue being drawn to as it gives us the ultimate satisfactory, meaningful outcome we need in order to feel fulfilled existentially and spiritually.
And the very examination of such invisible, yet tangible forces of bonding and intimacy is the exact recipe we need in order to become the greater version of our own self and achieve true self-actualization & self-evolvement. To end, let’s take a look at a case study that illuminates what I am proposing as the holy grail of relationship benefits by analyzing two convergent paths that evolved out of two individuals coming into therapy as they were saddened by two divergent paths toward divorce yet wanted to give it a one last shot and see if they could finally figure this thing out.
For the sake of anonymity, we refer to this heterosexual members of a coupledom as Jane and Cyrus.
Jane had been married before and had two sons from that first marriage, one of whom had died in a car accident. She now was married to her second husband for more than 25 years with one 23-year old daughter and had come to the realization that despite more than two decades of attempts at repairing the relationship and putting up with infidelity, emotional abuse, and physical distance between them, finally there was no way the husband could fully understand her needs and therefore was about to file for divorce. Cyrus had been also married before without any children and mainly complained about Jane’s lack of emotionality, warmth, spontaneity, and sexual desire.
He acknowledged all the mistakes he had made, which were elaborately laid out by Jane, and only contested that his sole desire to make the marriage work was to receive the needs stated earlier from Jane in order to feel more romantic and committed. And as if in a perpetual spiral of circular counter-argument, Jane would propose that if only Cyrus would become more romantic instead of sexual, she would be able to feel confident enough and cared about and thus more relaxed, spontaneous, warm, and desirous.
we had two individually very well accomplished, wealthy, healthy, and intelligent people who were adamant that the key to their inner bliss was change of behavior in the other partner. And I would venture to say that almost 100% of all couples I have helped deliver one version or another of this same dilemma: if only my partner would understand/hear/listen/get/see” me truly, I would be finally free and whole in this relationship.
What is additionally very intriguing is that even though each partner wants to be seen by their spouse, there is an unconscious resistance to be truly vulnerable and psychologically/spiritually naked and reveal their true selves as doing so in front of someone, who is “one foot in and one foot out” and struggles with unconditional love and acceptance, seems very threatening and unsafe. The crux of the dilemma comes to light after a few months of therapy (sometimes sooner sometimes later) when the couple has mastered their listening and dialoguing techniques and come to realize their inner resistance to letting go of the conditionality upon their partner’s behavior.
This in my belief is the true sign of “self-differentiation” wherein a person grows the psychological aptitude of becoming self-reliant and yet chooses to continue to remain in the same relationship instead of abandoning it. Once each person learns how to self sooth the need they desperately have woven into a conditional contract with their loved one, they then become more accepting of the other as well. So, as applied to the case above, Jane had to learn how to become more relaxed, spontaneous, warm, as well as develop an intrapsychic sense of sexual desire for developing such an ability freed her from the contingency of waiting for that treatment from Cyrus. And similarly, Cyrus had to learn internally how to value commitment, romance, and simply being present in the moment with another human being in order to de-couple and untangle the contingency put on Jane’sbehavior.
Once each person learned to tolerate what they had despised all their lives, they emancipated themselves from the paralyzing shackles of contingency and conditionality, hence co-dependent regulation, imposed on their partner’s existence. As a result two benefits emerged: First, Jane independently developed skills that were now so desirous to Cyrus such as warmth, spontaneity and desire to be sensual and sexual. And Cyrus independently developed skills in paying attention to Jane, wooing her, being interested in her, showing he is capable of commitment no matter what comes.
Secondly, both Jane and Cyrus became stronger individual, better versions of themselves, more secure and grounded in their own psyche. They started to feel the entire 25 years plus of struggle, misunderstanding, fights, painful loneliness within a relationship, simply had to have happened because all these years they CHOSE to make their own change of behavior contingent upon their partner’s. It had simply been an unfortunate side effect of their own weakness:
the fear of letting go
fear of developing such skills internally
the need to heavily rely on the partner to mend our wounds
the expectation that the other partner exists for that very same purpose
namely of complementing us in areas we are not strong in. And as such, the entire experience seemed worthwhile in retrospect, now, that they realized amidst all that pain, they never gave up on each other and on themselves.
They continued to see the light at the end of the tunnel and as a result they also trusted that after all these years, it was time to become more vulnerable in the relationship, reveal their true selves, and take that leap of faith that something of greater benefit can emerge out of this risky proposition. It remains without emphasizing that today Jane and Cyrus and their two children belong to a very few group of families in this world that count themselves as truly happy and evolved.
In the next article, I will discuss the very complex details of how such invisible forces of bonding and intimacy that are undeniably inseparable and enigmatic, the holy grail juice of intimate relationships come to exist in the first place, why they are worth examining, ways of understanding them, and mastering their hidden secrets that give partners the power and weapon to unleash our true, greater selves. Stay tuned…
Hey there! Welcome back to Therapy Cable, I’m Dr. Ehsan Gharadjedaghi, a clinical psychologist. Today, we’re diving into the avoidant attachment style. If you haven’t watched the first two parts of this series, I highly recommend checking them out first.
So, as a quick refresher, attachment style has two dimensions: anxiety and approachability. In previous videos, we discussed the secure attachment style and the anxious or preoccupied style, as well as their combinations.
Today, we’re delving into the Avoidant Style, which falls on the low end of the approachability dimension. Essentially, individuals with this attachment style don’t feel comfortable approaching or engaging with others, and even view relationships as conflict-prone and something to avoid altogether.
In this blog, we’ll take a closer look at the dynamics and characteristics of the avoidant attachment style. So, let’s dive in and explore how this attachment style affects relationships and interactions with others.
Avoidant individuals are those who struggle with feeling secure enough to approach others in relationships. They often perceive relationships as conflict-ridden and full of friction, leading them to avoid them altogether. Within the avoidant attachment style, there are two subcategories based on the level of anxiety an individual experiences.
The first subcategory is characterized by individuals who are completely avoidant and have low levels of anxiety. They tend to be more internally regulated and are not highly anxious internally, which can make them appear more peaceful. On the other hand, the second subcategory is made up of individuals who are highly anxious internally and display avoidance behavior as a coping mechanism. They avoid relationships to calm themselves down, believing that interactions with others are the source of their anxiety.
It’s essential to note that these two subcategories may seem similar to schizoid personality disorder, but they are different. While individuals with a schizoid personality disorder don’t care about relationships, avoidant individuals do feel the need to be in relationships but struggle with approaching others.
Before we move on, I’d like to touch on the ambivalent part. Essentially, individuals who have high anxiety and don’t want to engage in relationships may receive the wrong message at times or even overcome their own anxiety to see the benefits of reaching out in a relationship. They may learn to use relationships as a source of emotional regulation and thus switch to the other side, becoming willing to engage and approach the other person in order to settle differences and lower their anxiety.
It really depends on their conceptual framework, whether they’ve logically and rationally decided whether a particular relationship is worth pursuing and real.
For the most part, avoidant individuals shun relationships only during times of disagreement. When they perceive the health of a relationship to be high, and communication functions well, their position within the relationship becomes secure. This relies more on happenstance, where two people happen to have similar perspectives, preferences, likes, and dislikes.
So sometimes people who are avoidant can actually seem quite engaging and secure in a relationship, especially when things are going well and there are no disagreements. This is because they have learned how to self-soothe and take care of their own inner turmoil without relying on others. However, when disagreements or conflicts arise and they feel like they can’t resolve them, they may start to distance themselves from the other person.
Avoidant people are generally not very open about their emotions or inner world, and they prefer to limit the time they spend communicating about differences. They just want to get over conflicts quickly and move on to more productive activities like work or tasks, which help them feel productive and regulate their emotions. This is different from preoccupied people, who often rely on others to soothe them and may struggle with self-regulation.
So there are two types of people when it comes to handling conflicts in a relationship: the avoidant and the anxious. Avoidant people don’t like to open up and share their feelings, and they tend to distance themselves from the conflict. They may seem calm and collected on the surface, but they can become very distant when things get tough. On the other hand, anxious people tend to want to analyze and talk about their differences, and they may ask a lot of questions to get to the root of the problem. They can get upset and angry when things don’t go their way.
Sometimes, you might come across someone who has a low level of anxiety and a high level of avoidance, which can make it difficult to understand them. They may seem disingenuous or manipulative, but really they just don’t feel comfortable engaging in conflict. It’s important to try to understand where they’re coming from instead of jumping to conclusions.
On the other hand, someone with a high level of anxiety and avoidance might seem upset and angry during a conflict. They may be uncomfortable and feel like they’re burning up inside. It’s important to pay attention to their tone of voice, body language, and eye contact to understand how they’re feeling.
Ultimately, it’s important to remember that everyone handles conflict differently, and it’s important to try to understand where the other person is coming from instead of making assumptions or judgments.
Sometimes when people are faced with a lot of overwhelming visuals that make them feel anxious and uneasy, they may choose to disengage and walk away. This can be a characteristic of someone who is feeling a lot of turmoil and discomfort in the situation, and they may prefer to avoid any conflict or confrontation. While this may seem like a lack of caring or disrespect, it’s actually their way of trying to de-escalate the situation internally rather than engaging in interpersonal conflict.
On the other hand, individuals who have high approachability tend to handle conflict resolution in a more interpersonal way. It’s important to understand that both approaches have their own merits and should be recognized as valid ways of dealing with difficult situations.
One attachment style that is particularly effective is the secure attachment style. This involves feeling secure in oneself and in relationships with others, which can lead to healthier conflict resolution and better interpersonal communication. By combining a secure attachment style with other effective strategies for conflict resolution, individuals can improve their relationships and manage conflicts in a positive way. When you’re a secure person, you can deal with intense discussions and conflict without getting too anxious or overwhelmed. You can soothe yourself and not let the intensity of the conversation affect your relationship with others. You stay connected to those you love and care about, even when there are conflicts. And if you need to take a break, you can always come back and revisit the issue without any long-lasting negative impact on your attachment or the relationship.
But people with insecure attachment styles may not have it so easily. When they feel anxious or insecure in a relationship, they may start to doubt their connection with others. Avoidant types may disconnect emotionally and even become roommates with their partners, while ambivalent types may become fearful of conflict and withdraw deeper into their own world. They may not want to engage in conflict resolution or even leave the relationship altogether without much explanation.
It’s important to remember that different attachment styles have different ways of dealing with conflict and insecurity, but the goal is always to remain connected and secure in the relationship. By recognizing these differences and finding effective ways to communicate, we can improve our relationships and stay connected with those we care about.
Imagine being in a relationship where your partner suddenly walks out without warning or explanation, or worse, files for divorce without any discussion or negotiation. It’s a terrible experience, isn’t it? Unfortunately, this is a common reaction among people with insecure attachment styles.
People with insecure attachment styles, such as avoidant or fearful, tend to avoid conflict and may just walk away from conversations or even the relationship altogether. They may become so anxious and uncomfortable with the conflict that they shut down and disengage from the relationship, causing long-lasting negative impacts on their attachment and connection to others.
On the other hand, people with a secure attachment style are able to manage their anxiety, self-soothe, and maintain their connection to their partners, even during intense discussions. They can take a break, come back to it, and continue the conversation without it reflecting any negative impact on their relationship. They are also able to navigate conflict resolution in an interpersonal manner.
Unfortunately, people with insecure attachment styles may find it difficult to maintain a healthy relationship with their partner. They may resort to disconnecting emotionally from the relationship or becoming highly clingy and relentless, like the preoccupied. They may also grow old as roommates and distance themselves from their partners, leading to the death of the romance and chemistry between them.
It’s important to recognize the signs of insecure attachment styles in yourself and your partner to seek help and work on building a secure attachment style, which can lead to healthier and happier relationships.
When two people are in a relationship but not spiritually, emotionally, or meaningfully connected, it can create a facade of convenience. It may seem like they are together to avoid the pain and discomfort of separating permanently, but in reality, they may just avoid each other completely and move out without any communication.
If you find yourself in one of the three insecure attachment styles, there is hope for improvement. Insecure individuals can learn from those who have a secure attachment style by observing how they interact in relationships. For example, the preoccupied can learn self-regulation to decrease anxiety levels, while the avoidant can learn the benefits of approaching and resolving issues with others.
The key to transforming an insecure attachment style to a secure one is to change the conversation from a debate or argument to a dialogue of understanding. This is called the “Glock of intimacy dialogue.” All three insecure attachment styles can benefit from this type of dialogue, which promotes a deeper understanding of each other and helps to create a more meaningful and secure relationship.
lastly what I would bring up is the combination of a preoccupied and avoidant. basically, they trigger each other what happens is that the entire moving away from wanting to engage in a relationship that is characteristic of the avoidant Styles is triggering anxieties in preoccupied and
and moving the preoccupied if they have not learned self-regulation even toward higher anxiety
because they are highly reliant on the other individual and the other individual their significant other in the relationship is pulling away and that pulling away creates more anxiety for the preoccupied.
The preoccupied tend to rely heavily on their partner for a sense of safety and security. They can feel even more vulnerable when their partner pulls away, thinking that it’s a sign that they’ve not cared for, appreciated, or valued. It’s almost like adding insult to injury for them.
When someone with anxiety becomes needy in a relationship, it can put a lot of pressure on their avoidant partner. The avoidant sees this as a source of conflict and discomfort because they have learned to rely on themselves and now they’re being pushed to rely more on the relationship.
But if you have two people with these different attachment styles – preoccupied and avoidant – it can actually be a good thing. Despite their triggering tendencies, they can learn from each other. The preoccupied partner can teach the avoidant that relationships can be a source of comfort and security, while the avoidant can show the preoccupied partner how to regulate their emotions and find internal resources to calm down.
So, while it may be challenging, this combination of attachment styles can actually lead to growth and positive change in a relationship.
Having a dialogue can be the key to transforming insecure attachment styles into more secure ones. And when it comes to the best combination of attachment styles, it’s definitely the mix of secure and insecure. The secure partner can help the insecure partner become more secure, which is amazing to see.
The next best combo would be the anxious versus avoidant. These two can learn a lot from each other and grow together. But when it comes to avoidant-avoidant, it might not be the best match. They might end up being more like roommates than romantic partners, and that’s not what anyone wants.
And the worst combination is preoccupied-preoccupied. These two can become so highly dependent on each other that even the smallest thing can escalate into aggression and violence. This is especially true if they have a history of abuse or have seen violence in the past. It’s important to break this cycle and find healthier ways to deal with emotions.
When it comes to compatibility, the preoccupied attachment style is at the bottom of the list. In fact, when two preoccupied people get together, it can be highly toxic. I know this information can be complex and hard to understand, but I hope it helps shed some light on the impact of these attachment styles on relationships. It’s important to be able to discern between these styles and understand the messages they send, which may be quite different than what is really happening. Understanding attachment styles can help us navigate relationships and build healthier connections with others.
Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I hope you found it informative and enjoyable. However, our journey doesn’t have to end here. If you have any specific examples or questions about certain differences, please don’t hesitate to leave them in the comments section.
I would be delighted to create additional content to address your inquiries in the future. Don’t forget to subscribe to stay up-to-date with future content. Again, my name is Dr. Ehsan Gharadjedaghi, thank you for your support, and have a great day!
