In the last article, I wrote about how sexual dimorphism can determine the entry point of conversation between men and women: men focusing on sensory experience and women focusing on relational importance first. I brought an example of a husband initiating a conversation about his wife’s hair color and the wife’s oversensitivity to the subject.
I also discussed suggestions how the husband in this case could have brought by a more positive outcome by focusing his attention toward the relationship first and then moving on to the sensory pleasure he would receive from his wife.
In this article, I would like to continue on that thread and make suggestions on how women can adapt to a man’s sensory experiences and hidden needs prior to “dumping” the heavy load of a “relationship” on their male partners. Let’s be honest: relationships are not the forte of men!
Managing a relationship has for millennia fallen on the laps of the gender who intuitively knows best how to handle it: women. For the average man, all he wants to know is that his wife is happy. That’s all! Believe me, I have talked to hundreds of couples and the trend is fool proof: men bet highest wage on their female partner’s happiness even at the cost of lying to her! Surprised? Or not? Oh, yeah. That happens all the time. Remember the proverbial adage? “Why did you not tell me the truth? – Oh, honey, I didn’t want to make you upset!”
That is one of the most typical mistakes a man can do. See the forest and miss the trees, namely wanting to see a smile on his woman’s face now even if she gets mad an hour or a day later!
Men usually have a hard time to deal with their woman’s unpleasant feelings. Why? There are probably a hundred reasons, some of which have to do with evolution, religion, culture, society, upbringing, etc. Here I will mention on reason: women usually use their emotions to communicate and interact, especially when they do not like certain things. Tell a woman (after she asks you if she is too short or too tall) the blunt truth, and she will let you know, i.e. using emotionally intense expression, how insensitive you are confirming her worst fears.
To answer correctly and sensitively, that is an art to master that escapes most men in this world! Now, this is the point: men try to avoid those emotionally intense situations and end up shooting themselves in the foot. There is a lot that men can do to change that interaction and feel more confident and competent handling such intense situations (an example was given in the last article).
What I would like to focus on here is what women can do to change the game, so that their men do not become avoiders! For the astute women who are reading this article out there: First, tell him how you appreciate his honesty! There are two important components here: “appreciate” and “honesty”. He feels appreciated rather than punished for having communicated and shared with you his truthful opinion (which then brings you closer by the way). And he feels – yes, feels! – that honesty will pay off! Whew. What a concept? He does not have to lie anymore??? Wow! What a relief that is to a guy. Tell me about it!
Second, slap him hard in his face! NOOOOOOO. JUST KIDDING. No no no no. This is what you want to do next: Tell him lovingly: honey, I was actually torn between these intense feelings of uncertainty and self-criticism because everything in our world is about judging a woman on her looks. So, this has been driving me crazy. I am constantlyfighting in my head with these questions: Am I the right size? Do I look good enough to my husband? Does he mind that I am shorter/taller than the average woman? Do I need to change something about myself to make him happy? Etc. etc. etc. BE COMPLETELY HONEST as well about your insecurities and vulnerability. He will appreciate a lot of things about this:
A
That you are not thinking of yourself as a GODDESS!
B
That you are concerned about his likes and preferences, and
C
That you are guiding him to the right answer: it’s not about being short or tall; it’s about his opinion of you being good enough for him/desirable to him/the perfect enough partner for him.
Third, once you have listed the above self-examining, self-critical questions to ask yourself, then ask him: It was just a rhetorical question. What I meant by it was: Do you like/love me just the way I am? Men are quite direct and to the point: If you get a yes, he means it. Then just get a room! Haha. If you get a no, time to call a girlfriend or anattorney. Haha back. Or best option after all: call a relationship therapist; they are cheaper than divorce attorneys! Until next article, ….
Take it easy,
Dr. G