May 2023 – Dr. G

What is Sexual Dimorphism? | Part 2 of 2

Posted on May 9, 2023May 9, 2023 by Dr. G

Note: This article pertains to a typical heterosexual relationship.

In the last article, I wrote about how sexual dimorphism can determine the entry point of conversation between men and women: men focusing on sensory experience and women focusing on relational importance first. I brought an example of a husband initiating a conversation about his wife’s hair color and the wife’s oversensitivity to the subject.

I also discussed suggestions how the husband in this case could have brought by a more positive outcome by focusing his attention toward the relationship first and then moving on to the sensory pleasure he would receive from his wife.

In this article, I would like to continue on that thread and make suggestions on how women can adapt to a man’s sensory experiences and hidden needs prior to “dumping” the heavy load of a “relationship” on their male partners. Let’s be honest: relationships are not the forte of men!

Managing a relationship has for millennia fallen on the laps of the gender who intuitively knows best how to handle it: women. For the average man, all he wants to know is that his wife is happy. That’s all! Believe me, I have talked to hundreds of couples and the trend is fool proof: men bet highest wage on their female partner’s happiness even at the cost of lying to her! Surprised? Or not? Oh, yeah. That happens all the time. Remember the proverbial adage? “Why did you not tell me the truth? – Oh, honey, I didn’t want to make you upset!”

That is one of the most typical mistakes a man can do. See the forest and miss the trees, namely wanting to see a smile on his woman’s face now even if she gets mad an hour or a day later!

Men usually have a hard time to deal with their woman’s unpleasant feelings. Why? There are probably a hundred reasons, some of which have to do with evolution, religion, culture, society, upbringing, etc. Here I will mention on reason: women usually use their emotions to communicate and interact, especially when they do not like certain things. Tell a woman (after she asks you if she is too short or too tall) the blunt truth, and she will let you know, i.e. using emotionally intense expression, how insensitive you are confirming her worst fears.

To answer correctly and sensitively, that is an art to master that escapes most men in this world! Now, this is the point: men try to avoid those emotionally intense situations and end up shooting themselves in the foot. There is a lot that men can do to change that interaction and feel more confident and competent handling such intense situations (an example was given in the last article).

What I would like to focus on here is what women can do to change the game, so that their men do not become avoiders! For the astute women who are reading this article out there: First, tell him how you appreciate his honesty! There are two important components here: “appreciate” and “honesty”. He feels appreciated rather than punished for having communicated and shared with you his truthful opinion (which then brings you closer by the way). And he feels – yes, feels! – that honesty will pay off! Whew. What a concept? He does not have to lie anymore??? Wow! What a relief that is to a guy. Tell me about it!

Second, slap him hard in his face! NOOOOOOO. JUST KIDDING. No no no no. This is what you want to do next: Tell him lovingly: honey, I was actually torn between these intense feelings of uncertainty and self-criticism because everything in our world is about judging a woman on her looks. So, this has been driving me crazy. I am constantlyfighting in my head with these questions: Am I the right size? Do I look good enough to my husband? Does he mind that I am shorter/taller than the average woman? Do I need to change something about myself to make him happy? Etc. etc. etc. BE COMPLETELY HONEST as well about your insecurities and vulnerability. He will appreciate a lot of things about this:

That you are not thinking of yourself as a GODDESS!

That you are concerned about his likes and preferences, and

That you are guiding him to the right answer: it’s not about being short or tall; it’s about his opinion of you being good enough for him/desirable to him/the perfect enough partner for him.

Third, once you have listed the above self-examining, self-critical questions to ask yourself, then ask him: It was just a rhetorical question. What I meant by it was: Do you like/love me just the way I am? Men are quite direct and to the point: If you get a yes, he means it. Then just get a room! Haha. If you get a no, time to call a girlfriend or anattorney. Haha back. Or best option after all: call a relationship therapist; they are cheaper than divorce attorneys! Until next article, ….

Take it easy,

Dr. G

The Holy Grail of Relationship Benefits

Posted on May 9, 2023May 9, 2023 by Dr. G

Most people think the commonly agreeable benefit of being in a relationship is to escape loneliness. I mean, yes, there are tons of other benefits such as sharing experiences, validation, admiration, infatuation, pure sexual pleasure, financial support, family belonging, etc.

At the end of the day, though, if you stripped away those individually divergent reasons and polled everyone about the most common benefit a relationship affords us across multiple diverse groups, you’d end up with a, deep sigh, proclamation “Ultimately, I don’t want to be alone in this world.” However, I have a new proposition. And this is more of an “aha” moment for myself than anything else, a deep insight about the very deep and universally invisible “holy grail” of a benefit that aces everything else.

And I accidentally stumbled upon it after helping a few hundred couples achieve bliss and harmony in their love life. Here is a little background for you. The couples I helped as a clinical psychologist specializing in couples and sex therapy over the past 10 years ranged from innocently looking young teens around 18 or 19 years old all the way to the oldest, most experienced couple reaching their very late 70s, at times with marriage histories lasting 30, 40, 50, well even 60 years! And the most amazing, emotionally intense, and meaningful realization that I was lucky enough to witness was not the sexual gratification, the emotional validation, the affirmation of their parenting roles, the “Oh, I finally feel I’m being fully understood” epiphany, the recovery from affairs or resurrection of passion or anything of that sort.

No. What was so fundamentally awakening, chilling to my bones, even jarring and electrically zapping my entire neuro-musculo-skeletal existence was the ever so subtle development of the real truth of it all, why we need to be in a loving relationship: It is ONLY within a loving, reflective relationship that we as individuals can actually become our TRUE SELVES.

My bearing witness to this amazing and hidden truth was so overwhelming for me that oftentimes I personally had to reach for a tissue and wipe away my own tears at the corner of my eyes). Let me restate that: contrary to popular belief, it’s not being on your own, by yourself, being a single that provides the necessary safe environment to become the best version of whom you can become. NO. A BIG, COLOSSAL NO! That’s just a myth that has been maintained and reinforced by folkloric phantasies for millennia and will only make you more, well not miserable, but just more of what you are,Today.

So, just more of the same old stuff. That’s all. The same repetitive, predictable thrill seeking, routine loving old self; only just chronologically older. But in terms of true growth worthy of being recognized as the proverbial “Self Actualization,” no, the key is not in remaining a single or a serial spouse forever.

Being an individual, single self, avoiding the perils of long lasting, evolving relationships, will not get you anywhere close to real self actualization. The best a long term single life can provide is Ego Actualization or in other words more narcissistic validation. And in the end, you may leave the world wondering what the hell this life was all about. I am sure many disagree with me, which is fine.

My responsibility at this time of my life lies with my inner core professional who has discovered something truly amazing and worth proclaiming, which I am doing here. Paradoxically, the perpetual single or serial dater life is actually what I personally had initially believed in.

Pursuing a single life and getting as much validation (aka “fun”) I could ever get: namely tons of career development, financial success, latest cars, homes, gadgets, jewelry, wooing the sexiest girls, a doctoral degree to slap on my wall, trips to farthest corners of the world, etc. What happened then? Well, in my insatiable quest for self actualization, I got intrigued by the idea of being the best I could be in helping couples overcome relationship problems, you know, just like the ones I had in my own relationship:

problems with making decisions
satisfying the in-laws
making vacation plans
meeting financial responsibilities
finding a supportive ear for my depressed or anxious moods
raising a child
finally getting my partner to understand me deeply

and so forth. I felt this itch, because that was my last frontier that I had not mastered yet: feeling accomplished in a loving relationship with another person. It seemed an impossible task and an ever elusive goal.

So, in my quest of helping my clients, a miracle happened. It was then, within the overlapping experiences of helping couples and simultaneously fixing the problems in my own marriage that I became a much better observer, not only of myself, but especially of how my couples in my private practice were evolving; in an uncanny similar way I and my partner each were evolving in our own relationships.

Slowly, a few parallels emerged: I noticed myself morphing into a better version of myself even though I would have hated to possess some of these new personality characteristics if anyone had told me in the past that some day I would be able to or want to or even have to own such traits. To give you a tangible example: I always hated being quiet, composing myself, or refraining from saying “I’m sorry” when it came to a quarrel between myself and a given partner. I had lived under the spell that my true nature commanded me to be verbose, express my feelings (no matter what), and quickly express empathy for the pain my partner had experienced.

And I held those values for the real “truth” and moral principles for which at least I, let alone everyone else, had to live and die by. What had escaped me were the benefits that unfolded after I gave myself the permission (and developed the skills) to evolve into a much larger, more holistic version of my own self. When I learned that pausing for a few minutes and reflecting on whether or not saying sorry could be the appropriate response, understood the more complex impact that such utterance can have on the perception of my partner, the place such a moment of empathic connection has in thegreater timeline of all moments of interactions with my partner and how they relate to each other (e.g. how consistently or inconsistently, how reliably or whimsically, how sincerely or insincerely they were being perceived in the greater scheme of things), and experientially felt the value of silence and tolerance of presence of a hurt, struggling partner, then I also grew within.

I expanded in my own psyche, I envisioned within me how my neuronal brain connections internally branched outwardly, my sense of confidence expanded, I felt more grounded and secure, at the same time I felt so much more humble and appreciative of the moment, of the world around me, of the “growing pains” my partner and I went through, of the meaning of life being much more exhilarating and invigorating when one engages with another person and evolves together than blindly seeking “fun.”

And this is the exact observation I also noticed happening in my couples coming to my office, week after week, month after month. One by one, I witnessed them become better versions of themselves, stronger, more confident, more secure, happier, healthier, more energetic, elated, beautiful, lively. What made me connect the dots between their grander self actualization and the necessity of having gone through it within their relationships is grounded in everything I have learned about human psychology and the nature of reflective social engagement coupled with resolution of transferential childhood experiences that is unique to being in an intimate relationship with a romantic partner and is impossible to occur outside it.

me summarize my proposition in one simple sentence: The safest, most nurturing place to evolve your true best version of yourself is within an intimate, loving relationship! Here. I said it and and I bet my whole life and career on it. The proof for that proposition is available both in terms of empirical, evidence-based, and clinical research as well as in a realm that is much more visceral and real to the bone than all that scientific literature.

In terms of the science of it, there is a myriad of publications collected over many decades that attest to the veracity of this proposition originating from the psychoanalytic psychology spanning over various branches of behavioral psychology, most of which have been very recently corroborated by neuropsychological research showing measurable brain activity changes affected by human connection and intimate partner engagements.

The field is so vast that even a meta-analytic summary would entail hundreds of pages to highlight the scientifically sound underpinnings of my assertions, which is way beyond the scope of this article. Some resources worth looking into include keywords such as

Imago Relationship Therapy
Transference
Polyvagal system
and social engagement theory
mind-body connectivity and neurobiological models explaining interactions between partners
Emotion Focused Therapy
effective listening and dialogue
Attachment theory, etc

However, from a human experiential perspective, the more tangible, palpable proof is a very age old unalterable, undeniable and almost always insurmountable need we feel to remain connected to a specific partner, a connection that is unimaginably solid, inseparable, and irreplaceable with any other connection. The most glaring example of it comes to my mind, an expression uttered by almost all of my clients:

“I don’t know what it is but I love him (her) and cannot live without him (her). Despite all our differences and problems, I want to work this out and save our relationship.”

To the novice observer, the laymen, and unsurprisingly also to many up and coming therapists, anyone who is infatuated by the spell of “singular self actualization,” my assertion would most likely seem absurd as all they can think of is the traditional concept of self differentiation, the understanding that a person is a single entity and can only be truly happy as a single, self differentiated person without any enabling codependency to another person.

What they are missing is what we all are missing: a truly illuminating blueprint of our subconscious realm of functioning. Very much like atheists with blindfolds who assert as there is no proof for the existence of god and such proof would be beyond our comprehension, let’s forget about it altogether and just focus on the data in front of us. What I and a few of my colleagues who are willing to put up with the known unknown suggest is that the data are there, even though quite obscure and blurry; we need to sharpen our mind and focus our vision in order to make sense of it.

The very gut-wrenching exclamation of the inexplicable forces binding one person to another are the very necessary indicators pointing us to the subconscious psychological forces that have manifested themselves in relation to one’s self and other significant people in our entire upbringing, the cumulative product of which we experience as our self here and now entangled in a social, neurobehavioral engagement with another human being that we are magnetically drawn to and intend to continue being drawn to as it gives us the ultimate satisfactory, meaningful outcome we need in order to feel fulfilled existentially and spiritually.

And the very examination of such invisible, yet tangible forces of bonding and intimacy is the exact recipe we need in order to become the greater version of our own self and achieve true self-actualization & self-evolvement. To end, let’s take a look at a case study that illuminates what I am proposing as the holy grail of relationship benefits by analyzing two convergent paths that evolved out of two individuals coming into therapy as they were saddened by two divergent paths toward divorce yet wanted to give it a one last shot and see if they could finally figure this thing out.

For the sake of anonymity, we refer to this heterosexual members of a coupledom as Jane and Cyrus. Jane had been married before and had two sons from that first marriage, one of whom had died in a car accident. She now was married to her second husband for more than 25 years with one 23-year old daughter and had come to the realization that despite more than two decades of attempts at repairing the relationship and putting up with infidelity, emotional abuse, and physical distance between them, finally there was no way the husband could fully understand her needs and therefore was about to file for divorce. Cyrus had been also married before without any children and mainly complained about Jane’s lack of emotionality, warmth, spontaneity, and sexual desire.

He acknowledged all the mistakes he had made, which were elaborately laid out by Jane, and only contested that his sole desire to make the marriage work was to receive the needs stated earlier from Jane in order to feel more romantic and committed. And as if in a perpetual spiral of circular counter-argument, Jane would propose that if only Cyrus would become more romantic instead of sexual, she would be able to feel confident enough and cared about and thus more relaxed, spontaneous, warm, and desirous.

we had two individually very well accomplished, wealthy, healthy, and intelligent people who were adamant that the key to their inner bliss was change of behavior in the other partner. And I would venture to say that almost 100% of all couples I have helped deliver one version or another of this same dilemma: if only my partner would understand/hear/listen/get/see” me truly, I would be finally free and whole in this relationship.

What is additionally very intriguing is that even though each partner wants to be seen by their spouse, there is an unconscious resistance to be truly vulnerable and psychologically/spiritually naked and reveal their true selves as doing so in front of someone, who is “one foot in and one foot out” and struggles with unconditional love and acceptance, seems very threatening and unsafe. The crux of the dilemma comes to light after a few months of therapy (sometimes sooner sometimes later) when the couple has mastered their listening and dialoguing techniques and come to realize their inner resistance to letting go of the conditionality upon their partner’s behavior.

This in my belief is the true sign of “self-differentiation” wherein a person grows the psychological aptitude of becoming self-reliant and yet chooses to continue to remain in the same relationship instead of abandoning it. Once each person learns how to self sooth the need they desperately have woven into a conditional contract with their loved one, they then become more accepting of the other as well. So, as applied to the case above, Jane had to learn how to become more relaxed, spontaneous, warm, as well as develop an intrapsychic sense of sexual desire for developing such an ability freed her from the contingency of waiting for that treatment from Cyrus. And similarly, Cyrus had to learn internally how to value commitment, romance, and simply being present in the moment with another human being in order to de-couple and untangle the contingency put on Jane’sbehavior.

Once each person learned to tolerate what they had despised all their lives, they emancipated themselves from the paralyzing shackles of contingency and conditionality, hence co-dependent regulation, imposed on their partner’s existence. As a result two benefits emerged: First, Jane independently developed skills that were now so desirous to Cyrus such as warmth, spontaneity and desire to be sensual and sexual. And Cyrus independently developed skills in paying attention to Jane, wooing her, being interested in her, showing he is capable of commitment no matter what comes.

Secondly, both Jane and Cyrus became stronger individual, better versions of themselves, more secure and grounded in their own psyche. They started to feel the entire 25 years plus of struggle, misunderstanding, fights, painful loneliness within a relationship, simply had to have happened because all these years they CHOSE to make their own change of behavior contingent upon their partner’s. It had simply been an unfortunate side effect of their own weakness:

the fear of letting go
fear of developing such skills internally
the need to heavily rely on the partner to mend our wounds
the expectation that the other partner exists for that very same purpose

namely of complementing us in areas we are not strong in. And as such, the entire experience seemed worthwhile in retrospect, now, that they realized amidst all that pain, they never gave up on each other and on themselves.

They continued to see the light at the end of the tunnel and as a result they also trusted that after all these years, it was time to become more vulnerable in the relationship, reveal their true selves, and take that leap of faith that something of greater benefit can emerge out of this risky proposition. It remains without emphasizing that today Jane and Cyrus and their two children belong to a very few group of families in this world that count themselves as truly happy and evolved.

In the next article, I will discuss the very complex details of how such invisible forces of bonding and intimacy that are undeniably inseparable and enigmatic, the holy grail juice of intimate relationships come to exist in the first place, why they are worth examining, ways of understanding them, and mastering their hidden secrets that give partners the power and weapon to unleash our true, greater selves. Stay tuned…

Understanding Avoidant Attachment Style

Posted on May 5, 2023May 9, 2023 by Dr. G

Hey there! Welcome back to Therapy Cable, I’m Dr. Ehsan Gharadjedaghi, a clinical psychologist. Today, we’re diving into the avoidant attachment style. If you haven’t watched the first two parts of this series, I highly recommend checking them out first.

So, as a quick refresher, attachment style has two dimensions: anxiety and approachability. In previous videos, we discussed the secure attachment style and the anxious or preoccupied style, as well as their combinations.

Today, we’re delving into the Avoidant Style, which falls on the low end of the approachability dimension. Essentially, individuals with this attachment style don’t feel comfortable approaching or engaging with others, and even view relationships as conflict-prone and something to avoid altogether.

In this blog, we’ll take a closer look at the dynamics and characteristics of the avoidant attachment style. So, let’s dive in and explore how this attachment style affects relationships and interactions with others.

Avoidant individuals are those who struggle with feeling secure enough to approach others in relationships. They often perceive relationships as conflict-ridden and full of friction, leading them to avoid them altogether. Within the avoidant attachment style, there are two subcategories based on the level of anxiety an individual experiences.

The first subcategory is characterized by individuals who are completely avoidant and have low levels of anxiety. They tend to be more internally regulated and are not highly anxious internally, which can make them appear more peaceful. On the other hand, the second subcategory is made up of individuals who are highly anxious internally and display avoidance behavior as a coping mechanism. They avoid relationships to calm themselves down, believing that interactions with others are the source of their anxiety.

It’s essential to note that these two subcategories may seem similar to schizoid personality disorder, but they are different. While individuals with a schizoid personality disorder don’t care about relationships, avoidant individuals do feel the need to be in relationships but struggle with approaching others.

Before we move on, I’d like to touch on the ambivalent part. Essentially, individuals who have high anxiety and don’t want to engage in relationships may receive the wrong message at times or even overcome their own anxiety to see the benefits of reaching out in a relationship. They may learn to use relationships as a source of emotional regulation and thus switch to the other side, becoming willing to engage and approach the other person in order to settle differences and lower their anxiety.

It really depends on their conceptual framework, whether they’ve logically and rationally decided whether a particular relationship is worth pursuing and real.

For the most part, avoidant individuals shun relationships only during times of disagreement. When they perceive the health of a relationship to be high, and communication functions well, their position within the relationship becomes secure. This relies more on happenstance, where two people happen to have similar perspectives, preferences, likes, and dislikes.

So sometimes people who are avoidant can actually seem quite engaging and secure in a relationship, especially when things are going well and there are no disagreements. This is because they have learned how to self-soothe and take care of their own inner turmoil without relying on others. However, when disagreements or conflicts arise and they feel like they can’t resolve them, they may start to distance themselves from the other person.

Avoidant people are generally not very open about their emotions or inner world, and they prefer to limit the time they spend communicating about differences. They just want to get over conflicts quickly and move on to more productive activities like work or tasks, which help them feel productive and regulate their emotions. This is different from preoccupied people, who often rely on others to soothe them and may struggle with self-regulation.

So there are two types of people when it comes to handling conflicts in a relationship: the avoidant and the anxious. Avoidant people don’t like to open up and share their feelings, and they tend to distance themselves from the conflict. They may seem calm and collected on the surface, but they can become very distant when things get tough. On the other hand, anxious people tend to want to analyze and talk about their differences, and they may ask a lot of questions to get to the root of the problem. They can get upset and angry when things don’t go their way.

Sometimes, you might come across someone who has a low level of anxiety and a high level of avoidance, which can make it difficult to understand them. They may seem disingenuous or manipulative, but really they just don’t feel comfortable engaging in conflict. It’s important to try to understand where they’re coming from instead of jumping to conclusions.

On the other hand, someone with a high level of anxiety and avoidance might seem upset and angry during a conflict. They may be uncomfortable and feel like they’re burning up inside. It’s important to pay attention to their tone of voice, body language, and eye contact to understand how they’re feeling.

Ultimately, it’s important to remember that everyone handles conflict differently, and it’s important to try to understand where the other person is coming from instead of making assumptions or judgments.

Sometimes when people are faced with a lot of overwhelming visuals that make them feel anxious and uneasy, they may choose to disengage and walk away. This can be a characteristic of someone who is feeling a lot of turmoil and discomfort in the situation, and they may prefer to avoid any conflict or confrontation. While this may seem like a lack of caring or disrespect, it’s actually their way of trying to de-escalate the situation internally rather than engaging in interpersonal conflict.

On the other hand, individuals who have high approachability tend to handle conflict resolution in a more interpersonal way. It’s important to understand that both approaches have their own merits and should be recognized as valid ways of dealing with difficult situations.

One attachment style that is particularly effective is the secure attachment style. This involves feeling secure in oneself and in relationships with others, which can lead to healthier conflict resolution and better interpersonal communication. By combining a secure attachment style with other effective strategies for conflict resolution, individuals can improve their relationships and manage conflicts in a positive way.

When you’re a secure person, you can deal with intense discussions and conflict without getting too anxious or overwhelmed. You can soothe yourself and not let the intensity of the conversation affect your relationship with others. You stay connected to those you love and care about, even when there are conflicts. And if you need to take a break, you can always come back and revisit the issue without any long-lasting negative impact on your attachment or the relationship.

But people with insecure attachment styles may not have it so easily. When they feel anxious or insecure in a relationship, they may start to doubt their connection with others. Avoidant types may disconnect emotionally and even become roommates with their partners, while ambivalent types may become fearful of conflict and withdraw deeper into their own world. They may not want to engage in conflict resolution or even leave the relationship altogether without much explanation.

It’s important to remember that different attachment styles have different ways of dealing with conflict and insecurity, but the goal is always to remain connected and secure in the relationship. By recognizing these differences and finding effective ways to communicate, we can improve our relationships and stay connected with those we care about.

Imagine being in a relationship where your partner suddenly walks out without warning or explanation, or worse, files for divorce without any discussion or negotiation. It’s a terrible experience, isn’t it? Unfortunately, this is a common reaction among people with insecure attachment styles.

People with insecure attachment styles, such as avoidant or fearful, tend to avoid conflict and may just walk away from conversations or even the relationship altogether. They may become so anxious and uncomfortable with the conflict that they shut down and disengage from the relationship, causing long-lasting negative impacts on their attachment and connection to others.

On the other hand, people with a secure attachment style are able to manage their anxiety, self-soothe, and maintain their connection to their partners, even during intense discussions. They can take a break, come back to it, and continue the conversation without it reflecting any negative impact on their relationship. They are also able to navigate conflict resolution in an interpersonal manner.

Unfortunately, people with insecure attachment styles may find it difficult to maintain a healthy relationship with their partner. They may resort to disconnecting emotionally from the relationship or becoming highly clingy and relentless, like the preoccupied. They may also grow old as roommates and distance themselves from their partners, leading to the death of the romance and chemistry between them.

It’s important to recognize the signs of insecure attachment styles in yourself and your partner to seek help and work on building a secure attachment style, which can lead to healthier and happier relationships.

When two people are in a relationship but not spiritually, emotionally, or meaningfully connected, it can create a facade of convenience. It may seem like they are together to avoid the pain and discomfort of separating permanently, but in reality, they may just avoid each other completely and move out without any communication.

If you find yourself in one of the three insecure attachment styles, there is hope for improvement. Insecure individuals can learn from those who have a secure attachment style by observing how they interact in relationships. For example, the preoccupied can learn self-regulation to decrease anxiety levels, while the avoidant can learn the benefits of approaching and resolving issues with others.

The key to transforming an insecure attachment style to a secure one is to change the conversation from a debate or argument to a dialogue of understanding. This is called the “Glock of intimacy dialogue.” All three insecure attachment styles can benefit from this type of dialogue, which promotes a deeper understanding of each other and helps to create a more meaningful and secure relationship.

lastly what I would bring up is the combination of a preoccupied and avoidant. basically, they trigger each other what happens is that the entire moving away from wanting to engage in a relationship that is characteristic of the avoidant Styles is triggering anxieties in preoccupied and

and moving the preoccupied if they have not learned self-regulation even toward higher anxiety

because they are highly reliant on the other individual and the other individual their significant other in the relationship is pulling away and that pulling away creates more anxiety for the preoccupied.

The preoccupied tend to rely heavily on their partner for a sense of safety and security. They can feel even more vulnerable when their partner pulls away, thinking that it’s a sign that they’ve not cared for, appreciated, or valued. It’s almost like adding insult to injury for them.

When someone with anxiety becomes needy in a relationship, it can put a lot of pressure on their avoidant partner. The avoidant sees this as a source of conflict and discomfort because they have learned to rely on themselves and now they’re being pushed to rely more on the relationship.

But if you have two people with these different attachment styles – preoccupied and avoidant – it can actually be a good thing. Despite their triggering tendencies, they can learn from each other. The preoccupied partner can teach the avoidant that relationships can be a source of comfort and security, while the avoidant can show the preoccupied partner how to regulate their emotions and find internal resources to calm down.

So, while it may be challenging, this combination of attachment styles can actually lead to growth and positive change in a relationship.

Having a dialogue can be the key to transforming insecure attachment styles into more secure ones. And when it comes to the best combination of attachment styles, it’s definitely the mix of secure and insecure. The secure partner can help the insecure partner become more secure, which is amazing to see.

The next best combo would be the anxious versus avoidant. These two can learn a lot from each other and grow together. But when it comes to avoidant-avoidant, it might not be the best match. They might end up being more like roommates than romantic partners, and that’s not what anyone wants.

And the worst combination is preoccupied-preoccupied. These two can become so highly dependent on each other that even the smallest thing can escalate into aggression and violence. This is especially true if they have a history of abuse or have seen violence in the past. It’s important to break this cycle and find healthier ways to deal with emotions.

When it comes to compatibility, the preoccupied attachment style is at the bottom of the list. In fact, when two preoccupied people get together, it can be highly toxic. I know this information can be complex and hard to understand, but I hope it helps shed some light on the impact of these attachment styles on relationships. It’s important to be able to discern between these styles and understand the messages they send, which may be quite different than what is really happening. Understanding attachment styles can help us navigate relationships and build healthier connections with others.

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I hope you found it informative and enjoyable. However, our journey doesn’t have to end here. If you have any specific examples or questions about certain differences, please don’t hesitate to leave them in the comments section.

I would be delighted to create additional content to address your inquiries in the future. Don’t forget to subscribe to stay up-to-date with future content. Again, my name is Dr. Ehsan Gharadjedaghi, thank you for your support, and have a great day!

Different Types of Attachment Styles

Posted on May 5, 2023May 9, 2023 by Dr. G

Hello and welcome to Therapy Cable. I am Dr. Ehsan Gharadjedaghi, a clinical psychologist. Today we are talking about attachment styles

In our previous discussions, we explored the origins and development of attachment styles. From John Bowlby’s pioneering research to the work of Eric Hesse and Mary Ainsworth, we’ve gained valuable insights into how our attachment styles form. One tool that has helped us understand these styles is the Adult Attachment Inventory, which provides an indication of an individual’s early attachment style. By understanding how attachment styles influence our reactions to situations, particularly in relationships, we can better comprehend how they impact our lives. So, let’s dive in and explore attachment styles!

If you haven’t watched the response video to Kati Morton’s Attachment Style YouTube video, I highly recommend checking it out in the link below. I won’t delve into the specifics discussed in that video, so it’s essential to watch it beforehand to gain a better understanding of attachment styles.

Let’s take a look at a simple diagram we’ve put together that breaks down the core components of attachment styles. There are two dimensions: anxiety and approachability, which are the building blocks of an attachment style. We’ve divided the diagram into four quadrants to make it easier to understand. The top-left quadrant, with low anxiety and high approachability, represents the secure attachment style. On the top-right, we have high anxiety and high approachability, which is the pre-occupied, anxious-preoccupied attachment style.

Moving to the bottom half of the diagram, we have two types of avoidant attachment styles because they fall under the low scale of approachability. The first type is peer avoidant, which is characterized by a lack of care for the environment and a lack of approachability. The second type is fearful avoidant, where individuals feel anxious inside but avoid people nonetheless.

In this depiction, we can see the four different attachment styles, all of which fall under the organized category. These styles are organized along the dimensions of anxiety and approachability, as we discussed earlier.

The fifth attachment style is the disorganized attachment style, which is correlated with conduct disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, antisocial disorder, and criminal activities. This style is unique in that it doesn’t display any preferred attachment style and can flip at any given moment. Individuals with this style have experienced severe trauma in their attachments with others, leading them to have no predictable or reliable trajectory. They can be highly anxious, highly avoidant, or display some approachability, making them difficult to understand and predict.

Individuals with disorganized attachment styles tend to engage in faulty decision-making and end up in precarious situations with self-defeating consequences. They have a high threshold for pain and punishment, which allows them to thrive in environments where trouble and power play are the norms. They are capable of using pain and negative consequences in a functional way and may engage in complex, power-based interactions with others in the same category to assert control and maintain a sense of freedom. This attachment style can be particularly challenging to understand and treat, especially in environments with high restrictions and limited freedom, such as prison locations.

Disorganized Attachment Style is something we don’t see much of in our daily lives. It’s more common in forensic environments, where people are under control and restrictions. These individuals are not part of the regular population that we interact with, and they have limited freedoms. In contrast, the people we interact with in our everyday lives, such as family and colleagues, typically display organized attachment styles.

When it comes to romantic relationships, we can see a combination of attachment styles. This is something we will delve into today.

Have you ever wondered why you tend to attract people with similar or opposite attachment styles in your relationships? It turns out there are certain patterns and predictable interactions that occur between two individuals based on their attachment style.

Let’s say both people in a relationship have a secure attachment style, which is characterized by low anxiety and high approachability. In this case, their interactions would likely be smooth and conflict-free as they negotiate through problems or stressors.

Understanding these attachment styles can give us insight into how we behave in our relationships and help us navigate them more effectively. So, let’s take a closer look.

Let’s say you and your partner have different opinions on how to teach your child forgiveness. One of you might think it’s important to tolerate certain stressful situations and exercise forgiveness, while the other might believe that being too tolerant or forgiving can make you look weak and be taken advantage of.

So, how do you navigate this disagreement? It all depends on your approach to differences of opinion. If you both understand and accept that individuals have unique perspectives and don’t need to agree on everything, you can tolerate and respect each other’s opinions.

But if you’re less willing to accept different angles and perspectives, and believe that your way is the only way, you might take an adversarial position against each other, leading to conflict and a clash.

So, when it comes to teaching your child about forgiveness, find a way to balance both approaches. Teach them to be tolerant and forgiving, but also to stand up for themselves and their rights when necessary. Remember that differences of opinion can exist within a relationship, and it’s how you navigate those differences that can make all the difference.Even individuals with secure attachment styles can have disagreements and arguments, especially if they hold opposing views on important topics. However, having a secure attachment style means that even after a heated debate or argument, they can still walk away without questioning the value of their relationship. They may not be able to convince the other person to see their viewpoint, but they can agree to disagree and not let it affect their bond. They may choose to take a break from the discussion, seek a third opinion, or wait for a better time to continue the conversation. Ultimately, they value their relationship and are willing to find a way to work through any conflicts that arise.

In relationships, disagreements, and debates are normal. Even individuals with secure attachment styles may engage in adversarial viewpoints and argumentative discussions. However, what sets them apart is that these debates do not damage the core attachment between them.

Individuals with secure attachment styles do not let these debates translate into a lack of caring for one another. They do not suddenly question the foundation of their relationship or doubt the need for attachment. Instead, they approach these discussions with a rational and logical perspective while maintaining their attachment and anxiety levels.

Even when debates escalate into highly intense emotional discussions, individuals with secure attachment styles maintain their approachability toward each other. They do not avoid each other or regard their partner as an opponent.

It is important to understand that disagreements can happen in relationships, but it is how we handle them that matters. As long as individuals maintain their attachment and respect towards each other, debates and disagreements can be healthy and productive.

When it comes to relationships, disagreements, and arguments are bound to happen. But what sets a secure attachment apart is the ability to separate those issues from the foundation of the relationship. In other words, no matter how intense the disagreement gets, it does not damage the attachment between two people.

It’s important to note that this is not something everyone can do. Only a small fraction of the population possesses the skill to navigate both the intensity of communication and the level of attachment. But for those who can, it’s a testament to the strength of their secure attachment.

The concept of a secure base and safe haven is at play here. It’s a subconscious understanding that one’s partner represents these psychological and emotional positions, even reaching a spiritual connection. Essentially, a person with a secure attachment knows that their partner always has their back.

It’s not something that’s consciously talked about, but it’s a vital part of what makes a secure attachment work. So, next time you find yourself in an argument with your partner, remember that it doesn’t have to damage your attachment. Separating the issues at hand from your attachment can help you navigate the disagreement and come out stronger on the other side.

In relationships, it’s common to disagree with one another and emotionally drift apart. However, there is often a secure base that we can always go back to, someone who has our back and who we feel safe enough with. Even if we distance ourselves from them due to disagreements, we know that we can always take a breather and return to them without questioning their safety.

This phenomenon can be broken down into two halves: high approachability and low approachability. Those who possess high approachability have already taken the first step toward establishing a secure attachment. They are approachable and are not avoidant, which makes it easier to establish a connection. On the other hand, those who fall under the low approachability category may find it difficult to establish a secure attachment because they lack the desire or skill to approach others or perceive others as approachable.

It’s important to recognize the value of having a secure base in a relationship. It allows us to feel grounded and safe, even during times of disagreement or emotional distance. By understanding the importance of approachability in establishing a secure attachment, we can work towards building stronger and more fulfilling relationships.

When it comes to establishing secure relationships, approachability plays a critical role. However, some individuals may struggle with this, having learned that others are generally not approachable or safe. This core issue of attachment can be the hardest obstacle to overcome in establishing a secure relationship.

The upper right quadrant is already halfway through establishing a secure relationship but what they may be missing is self-regulation and self-soothing. These individuals may rely heavily on their partners to calm their anxiety, leading to codependency. This style is commonly seen in preoccupied individuals who may project a certain level of responsibility onto their partner to take care of their inner feelings and emotions.

Instead of engaging in self-soothing behaviors, such as taking a walk or doing a relaxing activity, they become highly dependent on their partner to change. In their mind, their partner’s engagement and affection take top priority, and anything that helps them calm down takes less importance. This need for their partner’s engagement may manifest in verbal or nonverbal communication that shows care, empathy, or understanding.

Learning to rely on internal and external resources for self-soothing can be a significant step toward establishing a secure attachment. By recognizing and addressing codependency, individuals can take control of their emotions and build a stronger foundation for a healthy relationship.

The key difference between a secure attachment and an anxious-preoccupied attachment is the ability to self-regulate. An individual with a secure attachment has already established a halfway point toward a healthy relationship but may lack self-soothing skills. On the other hand, those with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style lack self-regulation and depend heavily on their partner to soothe their emotions.

The preoccupied partner tends to demand a certain action and reaction from their partner in the present moment. They often feel incapable of calming down by themselves, leading to a high dependence on others. This dependence channels their anxiety about the relationship into their attachment and reliance on their partner, resulting in a lack of self-regulation.

Learning self-soothing strategies is the other 50% of the equation. By becoming more interdependent and learning to independently self-soothe, individuals can solve this problem. They can do certain things on their own to calm themselves down, away from their significant other, or even with the help of other individuals over time. Developing these skills will lead to a healthier and more secure attachment style.

It’s common to rely on your partner for comfort and support when things get rough. But when this reliance becomes too intense, it can create a cycle of anxiety and dependence that’s difficult to break. This is especially true for those with a preoccupied anxious attachment style, who struggle to regulate their own emotions and instead channel their anxiety into their attachment to their partner.

The key issue here is that the anxious partner becomes almost demanding in their need for immediate action and reaction from their partner. They feel incapable of calming down without their partner’s help, leading to a high level of dependence on others. This lack of self-regulation can be detrimental to the relationship, creating a sense of suffocation for the other person.

To break this cycle, the preoccupied anxious individual must learn self-soothing strategies. This means becoming more interdependent and learning how to calm themselves down without relying solely on others. This can be achieved through various actions and behaviors that they can engage in alone, without the need for someone else to be present. By gradually transitioning to a more self-reliant mindset, they can become content and happy spending time alone, without feeling lonely or overly dependent on others. Ultimately, it’s about valuing the time spent alone and learning to enjoy it as an essential part of their lives.

Let’s talk about the combination of different attachment styles in relationships. While it’s not uncommon for partners to have different attachment styles, having a secure partner along with any of the other three styles can actually be a great combination. When things are going well and the person’s psychological resources are intact and functioning properly, we tend to see the insecure partner gravitate towards becoming more secure. This happens through role modeling, observation, and vicarious learning, where they learn to emulate the secure partner’s style.

However, if a person’s psychological faculties are not functioning well, such as experiencing trauma or significant life-changing events, the influence of the other insecure attachment styles can be so strong that even a secure partner can become more insecure. So, while having a secured partner can be a positive influence on a preoccupied partner, external factors can also impact the relationship and potentially change the dynamics. In the next section, we’ll explore this further.

Thanks for reading! In my next blog post, I’ll dive into the other two attachment styles and explore how different combinations of these styles can impact the quality of a relationship.

Make sure to stay tuned and watch the other attachment-style videos. We value your feedback, so please feel free to leave your comments below. Don’t forget to subscribe for more educational content on attachment styles, relationships, and other psychological principles.

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Dr.G

Month: May 2023