Month: June 2023

This blog is a response to her insightful Youtube video, and I look forward to sharing my thoughts with you.

I highly recommend watching the video for those who have yet to do so, as it is crucial for understanding the topic comprehensively. Here is the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pq_UoY4rqGo&t=0s

After watching, I would appreciate it if you could focus on three key points. I like it when she explains confusing words you may not know. Jargons of psychology we use are insecure, avoidant, ambivalent, and preoccupied. Those types of fancy words are interesting but also, at times, confusing. I would also like to introduce a scientific background to support her ideas and provide a deeper understanding of the topic. She has done a great job paying attention to the main attachment styles, addressing the implication of those needing awareness and why they are essential for us to understand the connection between Early Attachment Styles, what to do about them, and the possible development of some mental health problems.

However, there is more to that. John Bowlby, a British psychiatrist and psychologist laid the groundwork for attachment theory, which later evolved through research by Mary Ainsworth. A key experiment involved observing how infants around one year of age interacted with strangers in the presence of their mothers. This led to the development of a model of early attachment styles, which has since been expanded upon and popularized by Katie Morton in her video. Understanding the five attachment styles helps shed light on how individuals interact with strangers and the influence of early experiences on long-term relationships. It accurately emphasizes the crucial role of attachment in human survival, based on John Bowlby’s foundational research.

Early attachment experiences with the primary caregiver shape a person’s style of relating to others, including in romantic relationships, with co-workers, employers, role models, and other important figures throughout their life. These attachment styles gradually develop and become deeply ingrained. Our early attachment experiences influence our attachment style, impacting how we react to stress. Research has found that attachment is vital for infant survival and shapes our attachment styles throughout our lives. The strange situation experiment was instrumental in identifying different attachment styles. Understanding attachment styles can help us better comprehend how individuals react to stress differently.

At first, there were only four attachment styles. However, further research by Dr. Mary Main and her partner Dr. Erik Hesse at Berkeley revealed a fifth category, disorganized. They have studied attachment styles, including early and adult attachment, for over forty years. Their research has helped expand our understanding of the different attachment styles. When it comes to attachment styles, there are two major categories: the Organized Category and the Disorganized Category. The Organized Category consists of four styles – secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. On the other hand, the Disorganized Category consists of only one style, which is the disorganized attachment style.

To truly understand attachment styles, we need to look at two different dimensions – anxiety and approachability. The anxiety dimension refers to the level of anxiety someone experiences in a relationship. In contrast, the approachability dimension refers to how comfortable someone is with being close to others. These dimensions are what contribute to the different attachment styles. As infants, we are born into a completely new environment that is vastly different from the safe and secure womb we had been in for nine months. This new world is filled with unfamiliar sensations, feelings, and interactions, which can cause anxiety in newborns. Understanding the dimension of anxiety is crucial to comprehend how infants resolve their anxiety when forming relationships with others. This is where attachment theory comes in. We can represent these dimensions as a spectrum. On one end, we have low anxiety; on the other, we have high anxiety. I will provide a diagram below to better illustrate these dimensions.

On the first axis, we have low and high anxiety, with low anxiety indicating that the infant is generally calm and secure and high anxiety indicating that the infant is easily distressed and may struggle to regulate their emotions. The second axis is labeled as avoidance but can be better understood as approachability. Low approachability indicates that the caregiver is emotionally unavailable, rejecting, or neglectful. While high approachability means that the caregiver is sensitive, responsive, and consistently available to the infant. These styles are determined by the infant’s level of anxiety and approachability, and they have been linked to different outcomes in adulthood.

The disorganized attachment style, characterized by contradictory and disoriented behavior, is not organized along these two dimensions but is considered a separate category. The precise use of “avoidance” is crucial in understanding attachment. A secure attachment style is developed through interaction at home, where an infant feels covered and protected, creating a secure base. This secure base serves as a ground zero, where a person feels safe and confident to explore the world. In times of anxiety, agitation, or fear, the secure base becomes a safe haven to which they can return.

These two dimensions of anxiety and approachability lead to the development of a secure attachment style, where individuals display a lower level of anxiety and higher approachability and seek out an emotionally available person as their caregiver. The Strange Situation experiment has observed that infants with a secure attachment style display this type of behavior not only with their primary caregivers but also with strangers. A sample situation could be where an infant is placed in a new environment with a stranger. Suppose the infant has a secure attachment style. In that case, they can explore the environment confidently, knowing that their caregiver is present as a secure base. They can return to their caregiver for comfort and reassurance in stressful situations. This behavior is consistent with the infant’s confidence and trust in their caregiver’s approachability and emotional availability.

During the strange situation experiment, researchers observed that infants with a secure attachment style displayed consistent behavior towards their primary caregiver and strangers. For example, when the mother left the room, the infant interacted with the stranger in a secure manner without feeling anxious or frightened. This behavior demonstrated the confidence and safety that infants with a secure attachment style feel with their caregivers, which allows them to explore the world without fear. Even when the caregiver is not present, the infant continues to enact their secure attachment style with strangers. Moving on to the other quadrants, let’s explore the four attachment styles that fall within the organized category. As the name suggests, these styles possess a sense of order and predictability. This is because they adhere to specific patterns in two dimensions of human functioning. Consequently, we can anticipate and forecast their behavior and reactions, setting them apart from the disorganized category.

The key to understanding these attachment styles lies in their predictability. With organization comes a level of dependability and reliability, allowing us to confidently predict the actions of individuals with these attachment styles. In contrast, the disorganized category needs this organization, making predictions about their behavior, attachment, and reactions impossible. Therefore, the difference between the organized and disorganized attachment styles lies in the ability to anticipate and forecast an individual’s actions. The organized category gives us a sense of order and reliability, while the latter presents unpredictability and inconsistency. Now that we’ve delved into the organized attachment model, let’s take a closer look at its specific attachment styles. Out of the four, the first and most desirable is the secure attachment style, while the remaining three fall under the category of insecure.

In the lower left quadrant of the model, which represents low anxiety and low approachability, there is a sense of disconnection between the infant and the caregiver. While the infant is not experiencing much stress, they don’t feel inclined to approach the caregiver. This is because they perceive the caregiver as emotionally unavailable and thus need to avoid them. It’s important to note that this perception is based on the infant’s experience and sensation. In their view, the caregiver may not provide the emotional support they need, leading them to avoid seeking comfort from them. This disengagement can have significant implications for the infant’s development. It may affect their ability to form secure attachments in the future.

If an infant exhibits high anxiety and low approachability, they will likely have an ambivalent attachment style. On the other hand, if they show low anxiety but are still avoidant, they may have a fearful-avoidant attachment style. In both these cases, the infant avoids seeking comfort from the emotionally unavailable caregiver. It’s important to note that these terms and labels have been developed over the years, and some may be interchangeable. Additionally, there are distinctions between early childhood and adult attachment styles, which can add to the confusion.

Let’s simplify things and focus on the avoidant attachment styles within the organized category: ambivalent/fearful-avoidant. Both styles exhibit low intensity on the approachability dimension, leading to avoidance of seeking comfort from the caregiver.
In contrast, a person with high intensity of approachability and low anxiety will have a secure attachment style. However, suppose a person is highly anxious and seeks constant proximity to the caregiver, becoming clingy and inconsolable. In that case, we cannot separate them from the high separation anxiety they experience. This child is preoccupied and stressed, leading to an insecure attachment style. These attachment styles can significantly impact how we react in stressful situations and how we approach our relationships. By understanding these styles, we can better understand ourselves and those around us.

As children grow up and engage in relationships with others, their attachment styles can have significant implications, particularly in romantic and intimate relationships. These attachment styles tend to reenact and manifest in these later relationships, which can lead to adverse effects and perceptions of the individuals involved. In Kati Morton’s video, she does relate some of these to specific disorders that develop, such as oppositional defiant disorder and conduct disorder, which is what I would like to suggest that again due to Mary Main and Eric Hesse’s research from Berkeley, they have actually found out that the conduct disorder and oppositional disorder and truly antisocial behavior and more.

I would say the research they have done is based on many individuals who have been incarcerated, so the incarceration status or individual criminal behavior has been linked to a disorganized attachment style. And again, the disorganized attachment styles are the ones that are all over the place. We can’t recognize or predict and create any reliable way of foreseeing how a person may react in a particular situation. As a result, they tend to have many problems and serious issues in their lives without regard for consequences. So we find a high prevalence of disorganized attachment style with conduct disorder, oppositional disorder, antisocial behavior, and incarceration. While organized attachment styles tend to correlate with mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, PTSD, and personality disorders like borderline, avoidant, and dependent, the disorganized category and insecure attachment styles can have even more detrimental effects. They can lead to incarceration and significantly impact how individuals interact with one another.

In particular, the disorganized category and insecure attachment styles can affect how individuals present themselves to others, even if they are unaware of the underlying causes. Understanding these dynamics can help us approach interactions with more empathy and compassion. Have you ever noticed how some couples seem to be complete opposites? One person may be highly anxious and clingy, while the other looks emotionally unavailable and avoidant. Well, these seemingly paradoxical relationships can be explained through attachment styles.
Individuals who display highly anxious preoccupied attachment styles tend to attract partners who exhibit avoidant attachment styles, either low anxiety or high anxiety. The resulting dynamic between these individuals can be pretty interesting. It often triggers each other in ways they may not even be aware of.

In my next video, I’ll go in-depth into these paradoxical relationships and the complex dynamics at play. But for now, let’s focus on some quick markers. An anxious person in this type of relationship may struggle to calm down and appear clingy. At the same time, the avoidant partner may seem emotionally unavailable and distant. As we’ve seen from the strange situation test, individuals with different attachment styles may struggle to regulate their emotions and behavior in relationships. Understanding these attachment styles can shed light on the underlying issues and help couples navigate their relationships with greater empathy and understanding.

Let me break down what’s happening in these paradoxical attachment-style relationships. Picture this: one partner is highly anxious and can’t calm down without the help of their significant other, while the other partner is avoidant and tends to see interactions as a source of conflict. When these two styles collide, it can create a codependent relationship that can harm both parties. The anxious partner relies on their significant other to soothe them and resolve conflicts quickly. Suppose they can’t come to a resolution. In that case, it’s like the end of the world for them, and they may resort to black-and-white thinking or even borderline personality tendencies. They think that if they can’t rely on their partner to help them regulate their emotions, the entire relationship is dangerous.

On the other hand, the avoidant partner sees conflicts as inevitable and tends to shy away from engagement altogether. They view relationships as something that will inevitably lead to a significant conflict, so they don’t even want to bother trying. So, what’s the result of these opposing attachment styles? A dynamic that triggers each other creates an unbalanced relationship that’s hard to maintain. In relationships where one partner has a highly anxious preoccupied attachment style, and the other has an avoidant attachment style, we can observe a paradoxical dynamic. The anxious partner relies on the other to calm them down, leading to codependency and conflict. They might engage in long, drawn-out conversations that need to end in a resolution, or else the anxious partner becomes upset. This black-and-white thinking can even lead to rash judgments and borderline personality traits.

On the other hand, the avoidant partner has learned to manage their anxiety by avoiding conflict altogether, leading them to see interactions with others as a source of conflict. This approach can trigger the anxious partner even further, creating more anxiety and conflict, and making the avoidant partner withdraw even more. Their attachment style is activated, pulling them away from the situation. It’s important to note that the avoidant partner may not be able to articulate their inner feelings and obstacles, leading them to walk away from the situation.

In summary, these paradoxical attachment styles can lead to a cycle of conflict, codependency, and avoidance in relationships. Attachment styles are deeply ingrained patterns of behavior that are formed early in life and can persist into adulthood. These attachment styles can be secure or insecure, including anxious-preoccupied and avoidant attachment styles. Without intervention, these insecure attachment styles can last a lifetime. However, research has shown that individuals and couples can work to convert their insecure attachment style into a more secure one with therapy. This can be achieved through experiences promoting self-regulation, self-soothing, and healthy interactions. By fostering room for self-differentiation, acceptance, and tolerance, individuals can learn valuable skills that lead to secure attachment styles, resulting in healthier relationships.

It can be challenging to differentiate between attachment and personality styles and understand how they overlap. For example, if someone walks away from a conversation, is it due to their avoidant attachment style or simply because they’re narcissistic? Understanding the nuances between the two is essential to properly address and treat related issues. However, research shows that through therapy and secure attachment experiences, people can shift from insecure to secure attachment styles. This includes learning to self-regulate and self-soothe, building skills, and witnessing secure ways of interacting with others.

Thank you for taking the time to read. I hope you found it informative and engaging. Remember to check out Katie Morton’s video Why Does Your Attachment Style Matter for even more insights on attachment styles. If you have any suggestions for future blog topics or would like to see more content on this subject, please let us know in the comments below. Stay tuned for more posts on this and other related topics.

Do you ever feel uneasy at the prospect of sitting down with someone you don’t get along with? Perhaps anxiety creeps up on you or you feel sad or depressed. These emotions are often a sign of certain behaviors that can indicate a mismatch in your interactions with others. For instance, you might feel frustrated and fearful of being disappointed, rejected, or even bullied or assaulted. These are all behaviors that can lead to uncomfortable situations, leaving us feeling unheard, unsupported, or unappreciated.

If we delve deeper, we’ll find that these emotions stem from the anticipation of negative behavior from others. The behaviors we hope to avoid are often related to feelings of being dismissed, misunderstood, or undervalued. The key is to pay attention to the evidence that indicates when we feel this way. Observing the other person’s behavior, whether verbal or nonverbal, can give us important clues about how to communicate more effectively and build more intimate relationships.

In this blog post, we’ll explore the intricacies of intimate communication and the effective dialogue of intimacy. We’ll learn how to recognize and respond to our own feelings and those of others in order to build stronger, more meaningful relationships. So let’s dive in and discover the power of intimate communication.

Communication is often thought of as primarily verbal, but did you know that up to 70% of it is actually nonverbal? This includes things like body language, facial expressions, and physical proximity. These cues can speak volumes about a person’s thoughts and feelings, often revealing more than their words ever could. In fact, when conflicts arise in relationships, people tend to focus on their pain and complain about their experiences. This is a natural response to the need for validation and containment. However, it’s important to remember that there’s more to effective communication than just venting about our struggles.

Overcoming the urge to seek agreement and embrace understanding is no easy feat. Our brains are wired to latch onto all-or-none thinking, which can quickly lead to arguments and debates. When we come into conflict situations, we’re often filled with anxiety, disappointment, and anticipation of escalation. It’s no wonder we become guarded and tense up. But what if we could change the entire scenery, the entire atmosphere? What if we could get on the right track, and instead of seeking agreement, focus on understanding? Understanding is the key to collaborating and coexisting, but it doesn’t require being on the same page all the time. Seeking agreement can set us up for failure, forcing us to either coerce or capitulate, ultimately leading to resentment or reasoning. When we let go of the need for agreement and embrace understanding, we can transform the entire interaction. It takes time and training, but it’s worth it. Let’s change our mindset and get on the road to productive dialogue.

What I do is create a safe space where we can explore and pursue understanding without feeling the pressure to agree on everything. It’s truly amazing when two people can understand each other and feel fully supported without any coercion or capitulation. This allows for a natural and voluntary agreement to follow, rather than a forced one. But here’s the catch – I’ve learned that we only reach this level of understanding and agreement when we let go of the need for it. Instead, I remain vulnerable, open-minded, and curious on this journey of discovering the other person.

Something fascinating happens during this process – our neurobiological processes shift from a dysfunctional state to a functional state. I’ve witnessed the transformation that occurs when we engage with each other in a certain way. That’s why my method of engagement is so crucial. Rather than focusing on the content of our communication, I prioritize the process of communication. I engage in debate and dialogue but with a twist. I use the technique of “telling what I know” to facilitate a deeper level of understanding and connection.

I’ve noticed that in many conversations, people tend to tell each other what’s right and wrong, what they should be doing, and what their opinions are. This might work well in political debates and public displays, but it can be detrimental in close, intimate relationships. When two people engage in a telling method of communication, it can lead to hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and even trauma, especially for children who might witness these arguments. Instead of imposing our own thoughts, feelings, and values on others, we should focus on empathetically discovering their reasoning and depth of understanding. And one powerful way to do that is through Socratic questioning – a method that’s been around for thousands of years.

The listener engages in curiosity and asks questions of the speaker, without worrying about whether they agree or disagree. This builds layers and layers of curiosity, empathy, and understanding. As the speaker shares their reasoning and emotions, the listener summarizes and validates their perspective. When I’m trying to communicate with someone, I’ve noticed that we often just tell each other what we think is right or wrong, what should or shouldn’t be done. It’s like we’re mimicking each other without really listening or understanding. I’ve seen this happen a lot in political debates and public displays, but it’s also a problem in romantic relationships and family dynamics.

In these types of relationships, telling someone what to do or how to think can create a lot of conflict and trauma for everyone involved. That’s why it’s important to shift from this telling method to a more functional method of dialogue. Instead of imposing our own morals and values onto others, we should be asking questions to discover each other’s perspectives and reasoning. One effective way to do this is through Socratic questioning, a method that’s been used for thousands of years. Socratic questioning is all about building curiosity and empathy by asking questions and seeking to understand the depth of someone’s reasoning. As a listener, it’s important to engage in this process of curiosity even if we don’t necessarily agree with the speaker. We’re trying to understand their perspective, their emotional processes, and their pain.

One thing I’ve noticed is that there are multiple subconscious processes going on when we’re engaging in this type of dialogue. We need to approach the other person with respect and empathy, and also actively listen to what they’re saying. Sometimes, even when we think we’re listening, we’re really just hearing the words without understanding the deeper meaning. For example, if someone is telling me about their anxiety and how I make them feel dismissed, I need to actively listen to the inner processes that are happening in response to their words. I might be hearing their words, but I’m also hearing my own inner voice saying things like “I’m no good” or “I made a mistake.” These subconscious processes can create a lot of conflict and misunderstanding.

Sometimes it can feel like we’re communicating but not really getting anywhere. That’s because deep-rooted emotions can be triggered during conversations, and once that happens, effective communication goes out the window. When I feel like I’m being criticized or attacked, whether it’s intentional or not, my automatic response is to become defensive. This is a guaranteed response for every human being. It doesn’t matter if it’s coming from the person I’m talking to or if it’s just a nonverbal message like a sigh or a frown. Once the defense mechanism kicks in, it can feel like we’re sinking deeper into our pain and becoming even more attacked and criticized.

In relationships, this chaotic nature can escalate quickly. It’s like we start off with anxiety and anticipation, but once those deep-rooted emotions come to the surface, it can feel like we’re just spiraling out of control. It’s like we’re both talkers, but not really good listeners. We’re just blurting out our emotions, expecting to be understood and heard, but instead feeling criticized and attacked. This process can ultimately lead to three options: complete disengagement, violence, or one person staying in the relationship for various reasons like shared resources, emotional connections, or love. It’s important to recognize this process and actively work on improving communication to avoid these negative outcomes.

Sometimes it feels like there’s just no way to solve a problem without one person giving in or crumbling. It’s like one person becomes subservient and the other becomes overpowering, and they both end up unhappy. And if neither person is willing to give in, things can escalate into violence. We need to approach communication with a different mindset, one that involves taking on the roles of both listener and talker. And when we engage in discussion, we need to focus on asking questions and refraining from criticism, so we can really understand each other. When we approach communication in this way, something amazing happens. We begin to create a healthy, secure bond between two people. We feel understood and safe, and we can disagree with each other without it causing tension. We understand each other’s experiences and perspectives, and we can appreciate how each person organizes their world.

For example, one person might be very organized and structured, following strict protocols and routines to create a sense of security and certainty. And that’s okay because it works for them. But it might not work for someone else, and that’s okay too. 

Have you ever found yourself struggling to communicate effectively with someone who seems to have a different way of functioning than you do? Maybe it’s a spouse, a child, or a parent. For example, one person might rely heavily on structure, rules, and principles to cope with stress, while the other person prefers spontaneity and creativity. The good news is that it is possible to create sensible communication and interaction between these two people with some effort and understanding. One important thing to keep in mind is that our subconscious needs and desires often come into play during communication. One of the biggest subconscious needs is our attachment style.

Research shows that people with an anxious attachment style may heavily rely on their partner to regulate their emotions. In a conflict, they may struggle to calm themselves down and instead seek immediate agreement from their partner. On the other hand, someone with an avoidant attachment style may tend to withdraw and become introspective when stressed. When these two styles come together in a relationship, it can lead to a cat-and-mouse game of pursuing and withdrawing, which can quickly escalate into a messy argument. However, with awareness and understanding of each other’s coping styles, it is possible to create a more effective dialogue and prevent these conflicts from happening.

How certain things your partner does or says can trigger your anxiety or stress management style? It’s something that most of us aren’t even aware of, but it can have a big impact on our relationships. That’s where effective dialogue and intimacy come in. By engaging in a dialogue that helps us become more aware of our own attachment styles and how they affect us in moments of stress, we can become less codependent on our partners and more self-reliant. This means we can handle difficult situations without feeling like we need our partner to constantly regulate our emotions.

Instead of rushing through conversations to quickly solve a problem, effective dialogue allows us to be fully present in the moment, honing our senses and emotional faculties to handle the situation at hand. This kind of communication may not always result in an agreement, but it leads to a deeper understanding and connection with our partner. Over time, engaging in effective dialogue and intimacy can lead to happier, more meaningful relationships with less anxiety and stress. It’s a process that takes time and effort, but the rewards are well worth it.

When the darkness of anxiety and stress subsides, we can see the light of hope, energy, and capability. Our self-esteem and confidence are boosted, and we become more tolerant of ourselves and others. We start to normalize our daily struggles and know that it’s going to be okay. Love takes center stage, along with confidence, hopefulness, appreciation, and gratification. We feel connected to those who love us, and we know that we can handle anything together. It’s not about freestyle dancing in our relationships, hoping for the best. It’s about learning the 21 rules of engagement and creating a much calmer and more peaceful level of interaction with our partner. It’s like formal dancing, where we learn the steps and work together to create a beautiful dance.

I’ve only mentioned four of the 21 rules, but they are all important components that help us establish a stronger connection with our partner. When we engage in effective dialogue of intimacy, we can handle any situation and create a happier, more meaningful relationship. It’s not just about randomly saying whatever is on our minds and hoping for the best. It’s about being intentional with our words and actions, and working together to create a stronger bond.

Some people have successful relationships while others struggle. I used to think that it was just luck or something out of my control, but I’ve come to realize that there’s actually a protocol to follow, just like with ballroom dancing. If you want to become a great dancer, you shouldn’t just wing it and hope for the best. You would hire an instructor, listen to their specific instructions, practice the different steps, and master the different levels of instruction. Relationships are the same way – there are specific components that make up a successful dialogue of intimacy. Through learning and practicing these components, such as effective communication, appreciation, and connection, relationships become easier and more enjoyable. It’s not about blindly following what others are doing or relying on traditional thoughts that may not work for you. It’s about taking control of your own happiness and learning how to build strong, healthy relationships.

Intimate communication is a vital aspect of any healthy relationship. It’s not something we’re born with, but rather a skill that can be learned and developed over time. By implementing the 21 rules of effective dialogue of intimacy, you can improve the quality of your communication with your partner and ultimately build a stronger, more fulfilling relationship. Remember, it’s never too late to start. Whether you’re struggling in your current relationship or simply looking to improve your communication skills, you can make a change. Be mindful and intentional about your communication, and watch how it can transform your relationships.

If you haven’t already done so, I encourage you to watch Part 1 and 2 of the Intimate Communication Series on my YouTube channel. The prelude video provides a great introduction, and Parts 1 and 2 delve deeper into the 21 rules of effective dialogue of intimacy. So, take the next step and start improving your communication today.

This is Dr. G, a clinical psychologist, wishing you all the best on your journey towards more intimate and fulfilling relationships.