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Category: Relationships

Couples Therapist Reacts To Viral Relationship Advice – Blog

Posted on by Quantum Life

Hey there, I’m Dr. G, an experienced couples therapist with nearly 12 years of dedicated experience as a clinical psychologist specializing in marital relationships. My journey has been marked by successfully navigating the intricacies of countless married couples, helping them overcome challenges, and fostering healthier, happier partnerships. Throughout my career, I’ve dedicated my time to understanding relationships, couples, and the intricate dynamics of human connection.

Today, let’s delve into the realm of viral relationship advice making waves across the web. While some of this advice may seem insightful, it’s crucial to examine it critically and understand that one size doesn’t fit all when it comes to relationships. Please make sure to watch the full video on ‘Couples Therapist Reacts To Viral Relationship Advice’ on YouTube: https://youtu.be/QFRuwznLYCk


Viral Advice #1: The Language of Love

A common notion that frequently circulates is that men’s love language is acts of service. This suggests that, for a man, feeling loved translates to tasks such as cooking, cleaning, and helping in various ways. But is it really that simple? As a clinical psychologist, I’ve come across diverse relationships, and I’ve found that reducing the complexity of a person’s needs to a single category is an oversimplification. Men and women have unique preferences and tendencies, but it’s essential to remember that individuals are not confined to these generalizations.


Viral Advice #2: The ‘Hero’ Narrative

In some relationship advice videos, the idea of being a “peace” for your partner is emphasized, particularly for high-achieving men who carry the weight of their responsibilities. The concept suggests that a man needs to come home to find serenity and support, with his partner offering relaxation and appreciation for his hard work. While providing emotional support and being a source of comfort is vital in a relationship, it’s crucial not to lose sight of the fact that a relationship is a partnership. It’s not about one person being a hero while everyone else serves them. Real-world relationships are about mutual growth, where both partners have the opportunity to flourish.


Viral Advice #3: Respect for Men, Love for Women

Another widely circulated piece of advice is that men need respect, while women need love. This assertion oversimplifies the intricacies of human relationships. Reducing the emotional needs of men and women to just one word—respect or love—neglects the richness of our emotional experiences. Men can desire love just as much as women, and assuming that a single element is enough to fulfill their emotional needs can lead to misunderstandings and miscommunications.


Viral Advice #4: The Myth of Perfection

In some videos, there’s a focus on having it all figured out in a relationship and the notion that you’re supposed to have everything together. The reality is quite different. No one enters a relationship or a marriage with all the answers, and the journey of self-discovery and growth is a continuous one. Relationships aren’t about reaching a destination; they’re about embracing the journey. Just like watching a movie, you wouldn’t skip to the end and expect to understand the entire storyline. It’s the ups and downs, the lessons learned, and the growth that make a relationship meaningful.


Viral Advice #5: Balancing Work and Family

One of the pieces of advice that resonates with many is the importance of balancing work and family. Being present in the lives of your loved ones is crucial. If you’re solely focused on your career and achieving external success, you might miss out on the emotional richness of your family’s story. Your loved ones are living an entire narrative, and if you’re absent or distant, you miss out on being an integral part of that story. Balancing work and family life requires effort and constant adjustment, but the rewards in terms of connection and growth are immeasurable.

As we navigate through the sea of viral relationship advice, it’s essential to remember that the complexities of human relationships cannot be distilled into simple formulas. Rather than adhering to one-size-fits-all advice, we should celebrate the unique dynamics of each relationship. Relationships are journeys with twists and turns. I encourage couples to embrace growth, adapt to the changing landscape, and enjoy the process of understanding, supporting, and cherishing your partner.

Remember, there’s no rush to have everything figured out; the beauty is in the journey.

Intimate Communication | Prelude to Effective Dialogue of Intimacy

Posted on by Dr. G

Intimate communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. Whether it’s with a spouse, partner, friend, or family member, being able to connect on a deep emotional level is essential for building lasting bonds. However, this kind of communication requires vulnerability, active listening, and empathy. That’s where Effective Dialogue, also known as Dialogue of Intimacy, comes in.

As a clinical psychologist specializing in coaching and relationship therapy, I’ve seen firsthand the power of Effective Dialogue in transforming relationships. In this blog, I want to share with you why it’s so important to implement this technique in your relationships and how it can help you create more fulfilling and meaningful connections with your loved ones. Think about it, how much easier would life be if we could truly connect with the people in our lives in a meaningful way? If we could feel fully understood, validated, and supported? This universal principle underlies all relationships, regardless of culture or community. And it’s what Effective Dialogue is all about.

Many people experience the painful feeling of loneliness and disconnection in their relationships, even in intimate and long-term partnerships. This can lead to divorce, self-injury, and violent behavior. Effective dialogue is the key to turning cold, painful relationships into warm, loving ones. As a clinical psychologist specializing in couples and sex therapy, I have worked with hundreds of couples over a decade and found that focusing on the reality of the relationship, rather than distracting concepts and theories, is crucial for building deep connections. In relationships, people often rely on their core beliefs and cultural or religious guidelines to navigate their way, but this can sometimes distract from the most significant tool available: communication. When transitioning from singledom to a couple, it is crucial to negotiate the sharing of resources like time, money, space, attention, and feelings.

Research suggests that most relationship problems stem from ineffective sharing of resources. In fast-paced cultures where people strive to achieve milestones and goals quickly, conflicts and baggage from past experiences can arise in a relationship. In negotiations with our partner, we may rely on presumptions based on rules we grew up with, such as how to date, marry, share finances, or raise children. Therefore, it is essential to focus on effective communication as the key to building a warm, loving relationship. When it comes to relationships, we often rely on established cultural, political, spiritual, or religious norms to guide us. While these can be helpful models, they can also distract us from the most significant element of a relationship – communication, and understanding. When two people transition from their single lives to a couple, they must share resources like time, money, space, attention, and feelings. This transition requires communication and negotiation. However, effective communication can be challenging, especially in today’s fast-paced society, where people compete to achieve milestones like career, education, romance, wealth, and influence.

Couples can bring presumptions about how relationships should be based on family, cultural, or societal norms. However, the reality is that each person brings unique experiences and identities to the relationship. We must embrace diversity and communicate openly to avoid misunderstandings and conflict. It’s common for couples to go through a honeymoon stage before problems arise. However, by relying on scientific studies and research, we can avoid some of these issues and work towards healthier relationships. Ultimately, effective communication is key to navigating the challenges that come with sharing resources in a relationship. As someone who has worked with couples in a psychological capacity, I have come to understand that there needs to be a shift in the way we approach relationships.

We need to accept that conflict and clashes are bound to happen when two diverse people come together to share resources and negotiate. This is inevitable, regardless of the social norms or scripts we have grown up with. The problem arises when people enter into relationships with the belief that everything will be perfect and that they will live happily ever after. This is a fantasy and not a reality. Instead, we need to approach relationships from a more reality-based perspective, accepting that conflicts and differences are guaranteed.

However, this doesn’t mean that we should give up on the idea of a happy relationship. There is a way out of the chaos and into a fulfilling relationship. It’s all about learning how to negotiate space, resources, attention, feelings, and thoughts healthily and effectively. The challenge is that none of us have been taught how to negotiate relationships. We haven’t gone to school or received training on this topic. Instead, we have learned from observing our parents, significant others, and siblings. Often, these lessons are negative and lead to unsuccessful relationships. With the right tools and mindset, we can learn how to navigate the complexities of relationships and build healthy and fulfilling connections with our partners. It’s not about luck or chance, but about how we negotiate and communicate with one another. So, let’s embrace the reality of relationships and learn how to create lasting love and happiness.

As someone who has experienced handling many different types of relationships across various backgrounds and cultures, I’ve seen firsthand how painful inner experiences can be when it comes to our closest relationships. This is a universal human experience – we all struggle with it to some degree. Why does this pain exist? It often comes from a lack of effective communication and compatibility between individuals. Compatibility means being able to communicate our inner desires and needs to another person and having them be able to reflect and reciprocate that communication back to us in a way that makes us feel heard and understood. Unfortunately, many people struggle with effectively expressing their inner needs and desires to others. This can lead to misunderstandings, missed opportunities, and ultimately, a sense of hopelessness and resignation in our relationships. When we feel like our needs are being minimized or misunderstood, it can lead to resentment and disillusionment.

But there is a way to change this. We need to learn what’s not working in our communication and turn it into what does work. This means developing effective communication skills and being willing to work through the mishaps and mistakes that inevitably come with any relationship. By learning to effectively communicate our inner worlds to each other and truly listen and understand each other, we can build stronger, more fulfilling relationships that bring us the connection and sense of belonging we all crave.

I have seen couples from all walks of life and different backgrounds struggle with the same painful experiences in their relationships. It’s a universal human experience to struggle with communication and connection with those we

love the most. That’s why it’s time to focus on effective dialogue. At the heart of effective dialogue is compatibility, which means being able to communicate our inner desires and have them mirrored and reflected back to us in a way that is understandable and satisfying. Unfortunately, many couples struggle with this aspect of their relationship, which leads to feelings of hopelessness and despair. But there is hope.

What is not working in terms of communication and social engagement between two individuals in a relationship?

By analyzing the 21 things that couples commonly do wrong in their way of relating, we can turn that knowledge into effective dialogue that fosters connection, closeness, and understanding. By mastering the rules of effective dialogue, couples can turn resentment and distance into intimacy and closeness.

Effective dialogue is not just about communication, but also understanding the unconscious expectations and scripts that we bring to our relationships. It’s about being holistic in our approach to understanding our partner’s needs and desires. By focusing on effective dialogue, couples can build a relationship that is not only satisfying but also fulfilling.

In my next blog, I will explain the 21 rules of effective dialogue and how to analyze what couples commonly do wrong in their way of relating. I hope you’ll join me on this journey to better communication and connection in relationships.

What is Sexual Dimorphism? | Part 1 of 2

Posted on by Dr. G

Note: This article pertains to a typical heterosexual relationship. 

You may or may not have heard of the term “sexual dimorphism” but it is a concept that impacts all of us on a daily basis. For example, when a group of girls complain about a suspiciously looking guy who can’t stop staring at them, it is sexual dimorphism at play. Or when a guy gets quite offended that his wife asks a ton of other people about the bestmutual funds options available rather than taking his word for it, it is sexual dimorphism at play. 

The examples abound, but the principle is the same. Men and women fundamentally differ in the way they experience the world. 

And by experience I don’t mean the superficial, mundane, all encompassing, overly used word that describes everything. I am referring to all those seconds and minutes of existence that a 20 year old has spent since birth dealing with oneself and the environment, one’s own body, growth spurts, developmental stages, deficits and awe-inspiring strengths, hormones, social demands, parents, siblings, peers, coworkers, neighbors, rules and regulations, expectations of others and oneself.

The list goes on ad infinitum. All those seconds, minutes, and hours of “experiences” given our sexual foundation as a male or female on top of social roles, economy, politics, and seemingly mundane tasks such as what to wear to the job next day are surprisingly very different between men and women. 

And they are directly linked to how we as two different sexes perceive, interpret, and react to the world. That is sexual dimorphism and it manifests itself in the way people observe one another doing seemingly “strange” things when viewed from our own lense.

To review the examples above, the visual orientation of a man toward his environment can come off as “creepy” staring. And the relational orientation of a woman toward finding solutions can come off as preferring other people to one’s own mate.

Sexual dimorphism is subtle, subliminal, and under the radar for the layman. For the astute eye of a sociologist or psychologist, though, sexual dimorphism is rampant in all areas of our lives and everything we do. 

Just a few days ago, I heard a friend of mine express his interest in his wife dying her hair differently and openly shared with her that it would make him very excited if she started to wear colorful dresses again that would show some “skin”. In response to that, his wife got outraged and uttered: “it makes me sad that you can’t love me for who I am and it seems like you want me to be someone else. 

Why can’t you appreciate me for the things I do and the person I am?” 

That is a classic case of sexual dimorphic clash of needs and perspectives. Let us examine that a bit. 

On the surface, most men would sympathize with this fellow because they see the goodwill of a husband who is communicating what he needs from his wife instead of ignoring what he needs and seeking it outside of the marriage. And again, on the surface, most women would agree with the wife’s agony about her husbands insensitivity discussing this in the public, objectification of her body, and not paying attention to more deeper values in the relationship, as well as not loving her for who she is.

But those appraisals are quite superficial and short-sighted. On a deeper look, it would become clear what is really happening if we understood their dynamics from the perspective of sexual dimorphism. 

One aspect of sexual dimorphism that would help illuminate the source of the problem is what I call the window into intimacy. If intimacy is a sacred room of connectivity, appreciation, closeness, vulnarability, mutual trust, and sexual experience, men and women have different windows entering that room.

For men, the window of opportunity to feel good in a relationship does not start with an emotionally gratifying interaction. For men, that window starts with sensory, sexual experiences.

It is the attractive sight, the mystifying smell, taste, or touch that pulls him toward his mate. Yet, that is not enough. Once he has entered the room, he craves more of an emotional intimacy and connectedness that would make his experience worthwhile and really meaningful. 

For a woman, however, it is quite the opposite. The window for a woman opens first upon knowing that she is cared about, appreciated as a person, admired for her human qualities, stimulated intellectually, and intrigued by deeper values and traits such as trust, understanding, courage, reliability, responsibility, etc.

Only after this deeper cerebral, emotional connection has been established, can she open herself up for a sensory, sexual experience. In the above example of a clash, therefore, the pair’s communication could have led to a deeper understanding if both partners could take a step back, understand sexual dimorphism, accept each other’s differences, and approach their needs from a slightly different angle: that of allowing one another to enter the relationship from our respective windows.

The wife, for example, could try to understand that her husband is not just interested in her as an object but that he is entering the room of intimacy from the only window he knows, that of sensory attraction, but that in fact, ultimately he is interested in having a more gratifying relational connectedness with his wife. And on the other hand, the husband, could try to understand that his wife is rightfully upset as she has been rushed to a level of interaction (namely sensory, sexual experience) without allowing her to enter this level of intimacy from the window she is comfortable with, namely a caring, emotionally stimulating conversation. 

What could they do differently? That is simple. They have two options. If the conversation has already occurred and they realize they misunderstood one another, the solution would be this renewed understanding from the perspective of sexual dimorphism, forgive one another, and understand that both want the same thing but entered the situation from two different and quite opposite angles. 

Option two would call for a different conversation to have in the first place. For example, the husband could start with having an emotionally stimulating conversation about what he appreciates in his wife, highlight the meaningful values and contributions she brings to the relationship, and in addition ask her wife how she would feel about perhaps trying a different hair color.

Women are very intuitive by nature. All they need is a small hint and they can take it from there. That would solve his concern. And conversely, the wife could also be mindful of a different start of a conversation about a topic that would be of interest to her. 

But that will be the topic of my next article: how women can start conversations differently that would not put too much pressure on their mates.